Happy Valentines Day…but…I want to break up…

IMG_20140725_073621Here’s the hardest reality for some people on Valentines Day: Pretending to celebrate a Love, that in their heart of hearts, has evaporated.  Yet, due to the hurt it may cause their love, they do not want to express their true feelings, before Valentines, during Valentines, or shortly afterwards. The pain of having to conform to a day where lovers exchange gifts, and words of gratitude and passion can be excruciating. Many people love their partner but don’t feel IN LOVE.  It leads to thoughts like, “what is ‘IN LOVE” mean, really? “Can true love even exist?”- “Is finding a soul mate even possible?” Sometimes the hurt of breaking up can be devastating, even if you are the one wanting to call it off. Many times, the other person didn’t do anything wrong, but you aren’t feelin’ it anymore.  When this happens, it is such an ordeal when you know you are going to break someones heart. You dread dealing with the crying, the text messages, the constant questions. You’re to the point of visualizing an interrogation of disastrous proportions!! Maybe though, You’re not wanting the break up, but someone has or is trying to…break up with you.

Here’s an amazingly positive thought. What if breaking up could be perceived as a LOVING gesture? Breaking up could actually be a GIFT!  Let’s examine how this can be true, even for the broken hearted receiver from the ‘breaker-upper’.

First of all, here are some of the feelings breaker-uppers usually have. They feel like they need space. They feel they need to disconnect, not necessarily for actions they dislike about their partner, but rather, actions they want to experience without being in an exclusive relationship. Some people want to break the constant communication, checking in, the assumed ‘together time’ on the weekends, and it’s not always about being interested in someone else. Breaker-uppers sometimes want out of feeling trapped. Or maybe, they haven’t felt independent in so long, they need more time to discover more about themselves.  Some breaker-upper’s have a gut feeling, an intuition that is leading them toward being solo –for no apparent reason, just feels right to transition there. And for some, the red flags of the relationship or the other person are just too much to continue. There are different value systems and priorities that become apparent after being with someone for a while, (after the infatuation stage wears off, which can be a year up to 7 years!) and the person didn’t do anything wrong like cheat, or defy their loyalty or respect, but one person just realizes the differences are too vast to remain compatible.  There is the case where the breaker-upper ‘changes’ in their values or priorities, and the relationship isn’t flowing like it once did when choices and decisions were made around different activities and perspectives. Also, there are people who are shy about speaking up in a new relationship to honor their deeper preferences, and then when they become stronger in expressing what they really want, this becomes foreign to their partner, and causes conflict.

Whatever the situation is, breaking up is always a hard thing to do. However, if you look at yourself, look deep within yourself, it really doesn’t matter if you are being broken up with, or you’re the one breaking up — IT IS STILL A GIFT and let me tell you why.  If the other person is ‘doubtful’ of their feelings, or needs more time to evaluate their individuality — PRAISE GOD for this!!! Would you want someone to stay with you otherwise? If you did, you are selfish. The best relationships are the ones where two individually healthy people team up, speak up, live it up, and love up life – together.  If your partner is breaking up, they are giving you the gift of freedom. Freedom to evaluate ‘your own life’ – (while they evaluate theirs!) and freedom of time to explore your passions, experience life without being on a team for a while. It can be WONDERFUL!  And think of this, they are actually giving you the most UNSELFISH gift. The gift of TRUTH. They are being honest with their feelings.  it would be dishonest to hide those feelings on Valentine’s, offering you rose pedals, bouquets, chocolate, and sex, but their heart is wanting out.

I’ve never understood the ‘anger’ people have when someone breaks up. I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want me. The ‘wanting me’ is a major part of why I want them!!  I value myself. I love myself. I love my life. I like my personality. I like my career. I love my friends and family. If someone else doesn’t value me, ALL the qualities about me, even my short comings, then WHY would I beg, cry, ask a million questions, and even spend any time worrying over their decision of leaving me? I wouldn’t. No one gets that kind of  power over me. Sadness? Yes, it’s OK to be sad. But only for a moment. Some need longer moments than others.  But if you look at a break-up as a gift, a gift the other person gave YOU, and gave their self, you can take this punch a little stronger.

Also, Breaking up is an act of service and kindness. Why? Because it speaks volumes for the breaker-upper’s deeper character. They are being true to self. They are able to express a feeling; they are not afraid to risk a future friendship, or love, because they are honoring their inner sense of knowing. They are trusting a gut feeling, or their inner compass. They could be following God’s will, and/or, their inner sense of caution. While to most, a break-up is horrible, and viewed as depressing, and unkind; to healthy people, it is an act of real love for self, and for their soon to be -former lover.

“IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, LET IT GO, IF IT’S MEANT TO BE IT WILL COME BACK TO YOU”

Another positive approach to a breakup, is to look at it as a way to know, evaluate, or gauge if the relationship is TRULY meant to be, truly intimate, and truly what you want for the rest of your life. How could you determine this if there has never been a time you could venture into thinking for yourself, deciding individually for yourself, or freedom to develop your own ideas, your own goals. If you have ALWAYS been a team, and you feel shorted by not having independance with life’s ups and downs, it is HEALTHY to break up to go through a discovery process. This type of break up sends a positive message- that you aren’t rejecting your lover, but rather, you are in need of space from being exclusive, and all that exclusivity has involved during your relationship.There is a big difference!

So, if you are contemplating a break-up, or someone is breaking up with you, look at this as a positive transitional time in your life of God’s favor. It is a blessing of time. It is a gift in kindness. It is a chance to personally grow. It is a breather. It is a freedom opportunity to discover more about yourself. It is a healthy time for you to develop personally. It is a break from dual-choices, into the liberating feeling of independent thinking. It can provide time and space for personal reflection, contemplation, and setting values or goals into motion.

BREAKING UP is…(not hard to do)…but rather, a non-selfish, act of honest, loving kindness. Accept or give the gift without worry of hurt, but with compassion for a positive future for both people. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not boastful. Love is not jealous or self serving. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. Love does not anger, but comforts. Love serves. Love never fails. 1 Cor. 14:4-8, and some additions- by your’s truly. : )

Happy Breaking up this Valentines day. I sincerely wish you have found hope and faith in what the world views as a hardship; as a renewal time, an amazing gift, and one of the most sincerest acts of kindness within all that Love embraces.

~Life Coach, Relationship Specialist, Inspirational Speaker,

Annalisa O’Toole

For more relationship advice, dating, marriage, or divorce coaching or support, or counsel…

Email Coach Annalisa: lifecoachannalisa@gmail.com…

Read other blogs at http://www.wordpress.com/inspiredliving…

Call 678-431-6528 to set up a phone or live session in Buford, GA…

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DATING MUST DO’s… when you meet someone new!

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Dating Must Do’s..

When you meet someone new…

Meeting new people, potential dating prospects can be fun, but also exhausting if you’re trying too hard. Maybe you signed up for speed dating, or you’re online with a dating site, or just hitting your local pub for karaoke night in hopes THE ONE will be there –this article will help you. As a Relationship specialist, I see a lot of dating mistakes in the single community. As I coach individuals, I first work to guide them toward shifting their thoughts toward positive expectations, believing, and trusting the right person will be coming into their life, soon.
Before you even meet someone, your thoughts and beliefs should be aligned with what it is you deeply and truly want. If you don’t believe you will ever meet the right one, or you say to yourself –“There’s just no one out there that’s a perfect match for me” – Guess what? Your right! The first step in meeting a person who is most likely your match is changing your thoughts toward your expectations. Read the following great tips for developing a potential dating relationship:
1. ALWAYS BELIEVE! There is a soul mate for you. BELIEVE and trust that the right person for you is coming into your life soon. BELIEVE and EXPECT you will meet this person in the perfect time. BELIEVE that you are worthy and deserve the right person. Believe that they will be aligned with the right characteristics that you want, you need, and you desire. This brings us to the second step of meeting the perfect dating candidate –
2. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT! How could you ever expect to know if someone aligns with your life, values, and preferences, if you haven’t made a written list of your must-haves, or at least a mental list of the qualities (physical and emotional) that you desire most in a partner? If you haven’t made your list, this is a vital step in meeting an ideal mate.
3. TAKE THE SLOW ROAD! Someone you just met does not need to hear from you by text or phone calls more than once a day, if even that! Take it slow at first, and get a feel for their comfort zone in the area of staying in contact. Their job, their responsibilities on the home-front (kids, elderly, room-mates, etc) can play a major part in their availability. Also, with mature daters, (divorced, older adults) talk-texting is less preferred. And honestly, talk-texting (this is where you send multiple conversational statements, instead of short brief texts like, I’m running late, Thinking of you, Sorry i couldn’t answer, I’m in a meeting, cyl (call ya later), etc) is not a good way to develop a new friendship. Getting to know someone is much more productive when a ‘live’ conversation can determine tones, attitudes, emotions, voice fluctuations, and detect styles of humor, much, much, better. So, Talk live, not text-talking, easy does it!!
4. DEVELOP A FRIENDSHIP! It is a big mistake to ‘assume’ a relationship, a potential relationship, or assume you’re ‘dating’ just because they shared their number with you, chatted with you online, or are actively taking your texts and calls. EASY does it! Take the dating jitters away by assuming you have a great new friend, and that’s all. This way, there’s less tension (even if you find yourself very attracted to them) and there is less tension if you don’t have a physical chemistry with them (this could grow, ya know! based from becoming super-compatible) This includes not using sexual innuendos, not flirting heavily, or using inappropriate comments or language – that is a real turn off when you’re considering growing a friendship, and should be reserved for a close, dating relationship. Another red flag in a new developing ‘friendship’ is not fishing for compliments, fishing for feed-back for someone to verbalize their future desires, fishing for information on where you stand in the relationship (all of these are indicate you may be insecure and/or needy) Allow the relationship to develop naturally, have fun! Developing a friendship should also include the old school-90-day-rule. If you aren’t familiar, this is the rule where you ‘do not become intimately involved’ for 90 days. Devout Christians refrain until marriage, an awesome choice. Some daters however, truly believe intimate relations has no bearing on the success of a future relationship at all. Statistics show, more men label women who do not set boundaries for this area as ‘good-time’ girls, thinking, “if they will go here with me this quickly, how many other’s have gotten this lucky too?” Be a ‘keeper’ , be someone who vows- for your own protection, not to give yourself away before you connect with someone on a deep, very emotionally bonded way, and you have had ample time to understand their deeper characteristics (that meet your list) before you become intimate. Once you are intimate, you have sent a hidden message (guys and girls) “YOU ARE A MATCH FOR ME!” Too many relationships are based on great physical attraction, and the emotional bond is lacking, therefore, the relationship has trouble; and is very hard to break out of after crossing this line.
5.ASK QUESTIONS!!! As you get to know someone, ask questions that help you determine their inner, deeper values, interests, hobbies, passions, beliefs, lifestyle and preferences. By doing this, this will help you cut to the chase with where you want the ‘friendship to go’ and you can set the tones to keep the relationship in the areas in which you prefer. Here are some area’s of relationships to determine which one (by asking lots of questions) they are in:

  • New Friend-Getting to know them, its brand new (within 1-3 weeks new)
  • New Friend-Talking stage, sharing conversations, emails, texting, chat (1 day – years, can vary greatly)
  • New Friend-want to spend some time together now stage-has intrigued me enough to want to get together (not a formal, or romantic date, just a casual outing or get together is best. No Kissing!!!) NO RUSHING….it will almost never work out, no matter how bad you want to rush it!!
  • New Boy/Girl-Friend-want to commit to dating exclusively (only date that person) not seeing other people – in deep like, infatuated for sure, maybe falling in love -change relationship status on social media!
  • Broken-Relationship -Staying Friends, but not remaining in an exclusive relationship- something just wasn’t aligned with my needs – this person did not turn out to be a match for me, I know why, I can communicate why -and can move forward positively. (If you don’t know what happened, but your love went MIA or broke up without a full explanation -or had someone else on the side- they have a serious communication problem, better you’re out now, than down the road! A person unable to express their desires, or dislikes, isn’t someone who would create a harmonious future!)
  • Friend with benefits – this is a sad place to be, because it implies you have sexual needs without commitment, without emotional attachment, and in the long run, you potentially hurt your own heart. Having a friendship-on-fire in a committed relationship where the person meets your needs and creates you to feel fulfilled is the ultimate sexual experience, and the ultimate intimate closeness. There is nothing lasting about this (fwb) arrangement, this temporary fulfillment gives false-hope, usually ending in hurt, abandonment, and no friendship at all. If one person begins a relationship with someone else, this is an awkward predicament and can cause ill-will.

6. KNOW & LOVE WHO YOU ARE! Know your calling. Know your purpose. Spend time alone in quiet meditation. Like being alone. Get comfortable being alone, in quiet discovery of personal growth. Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years? What dreams do you want to accomplish? Where is your ideal retirement location? Do you have retirement planned, or are you more spontaneously taking life as it comes? What are your preferences with adult children, education, elderly parents, future career plans? Have you planned for your health needs, or created a will? If you haven’t discovered yourself, and know your political, spiritual, career, personal, and parenting preferences and goals, how could you possibly know if someone will align with them? How will you know if their lifestyle will match yours if you don’t know where you want to live, or work, or end up? This ‘lack of personal purpose is a major root of many unhappy couples in marriage coaching sessions, one person has no idea what they want to be when they grow up even though they are a mature adult, and often project their unhappiness onto their spouse!! Discover WHO you are, WHAT you want, then make your ideal mate list. When you know yourself, your ideal mate will be a life-partner, not just a convenient, fun, companion.
7. DON’T SEND THE WRONG SIGNALS! It is not a good idea to make yourself completely available in a new relationship. Show the person you have interests, you have a great fulfilling life (this makes you more interesting!) No one really wants or needs someone with them as much as possible (a sign of emotionally unhealthiness) If you agree to meet them every time they ask, if you engage in long, gazey-eye contact, if you begin or entertain flirtations, begin texting and staying in close contact each morning, each evening, you are sending the message: I AM VERY INTERESTED IN YOU. If you want to remain ‘just-friends’, don’t send the wrong signals. Set the appropriate boundaries (kindly of course) that continues and fosters the friendship. There are definite actions of friends, and definite actions more appropriate for daters. Know the difference. Everyone, whether a match for you or not, deserves to be treated respectfully, honestly, and kindly. If they were not really interested in you, would you want them to continue to flirt, kiss you, and text you often? The Golden Rule is a good one to follow in new friendships!
Wishing you the best dating endeavors, smart new friendship choices, and the greatest relationship success!! I believe in you, believe in yourself, believe in your soul mate, and in ALL your dreams coming true!!

Life Coach, Relationship Specialist, Inspirational Speaker,
Annalisa O’Toole

For more dating and relationship coaching, visit www.annalisaotoole.com