Why can’t I meet ‘THE ONE”? ~a guide to successful dating practices~

datingFirst of all, let’s review your THOUGHTS. Since your thoughts create emotions, and your emotional vibrations play a direct role in manifesting and attracting what you want, we should work on your thoughts.

If your thoughts are the same as the title of this blog: ‘Why can’t I’…(a double negative thought) this creates the same. In other words, if you believe you can never or will never do something…you will continue to not do it. You will never do it. So, your first tip in manifesting your soul mate, or the person of your dreams, is this: BELIEVE you can attract them. Then, think thoughts, and express words that allow your belief, words and thoughts that express the desire you want. So, shift your thoughts and feelings to this:

  • I will be meeting ‘the one’ soon.
  • I am ready to meet the one.
  • I am attracting the one.
  • I know ‘the perfect’ companion is arriving.
  • I believe the perfect mate is on their way.

One close friend of mine, believed so deeply in this concept of preparing and expecting his ideal mate, he actually rearranged his home in a way to prepare for her! He cleaned out the closet, and made half the space empty, ready for her things! He only uses 1/2 of the medicine cabinet in his bathroom, I think he even bought a new toothbrush and tooth paste and placed them in their new packaging in the bathroom drawer!

The next shift toward meeting your ideal mate, besides believing and preparing, and thinking thoughts that speak life into this desire, is to become the very best YOU. I hope you are not making the mistake of thinking that the ideal mate is your ‘end-all’ for solving your loneliness, or will end your yearning for companionship. Thinking a mate will rescue you from any pain, is a lie many people fall into believing.

You will be amazingly interesting, amazingly intriguing and ultimately attractive when you have passion in your life. When you are aiming for something that is enthusiastically driving you to serve in an area where you are using your creative talents, using your skills and gifts to help others, you will not likely make the mistake of being needy-clingy. Nor will you tolerate a mate who is. Maybe it’s your career, maybe it’s a part-time thing, or maybe you are at the beginning of figuring it out. However, if you have no idea what your calling is, or have no dream or excitement that drives you, you may want to consider spending some time on yourself, take a break from dating, or ‘trying’ to meet the right one. Going on a personal growth journey can be invigorating! Did you ever watch the movie, or read the book, Eat, Pray, Love? Fabulous.

Here’s a major News Flash: How will you know WHO you want, and if they will connect with you on a deep level, if you don’t know who YOU are, or where YOU’RE headed? How will you know if someone aligns with your dreams, aspirations, retirement plans, or mission, or values, if you haven’t discovered those for yourself? Everyone has a dream, everyone has a calling. I hope you’re not expecting another person to complete you. I hope Hollywood hasn’t saturated your mind with the notion that a love affair is the answer to make all of life’s crazy problems disappear!!

Falling in love will put a temporary hold on your existing issues. Discover your Calling, work toward that, and when you attract the right person, everything will line up perfectly.

A third vital step to meeting THE ONE, is knowing who you want. Do you have a list? I always encourage singles to ‘make the list’. This is a real, written out, bullet point list of all the traits you love, all the characteristics you need. Believe your worthy of this ideal person. Believe this person exists. Believe in God’s guidance toward attracting this person to you in His way, in His time. A big mistake I see in coaching single adults over the years is people having the same mentality about dating as we all had when we were young. It is the cycle that runs a little like this:

  • The Attraction: chemistry with someone based on looks and personality first.
  • The Hook: trying to see if they are interested, and will go out with you, or ask you out.
  • The Hopefulness: dating this person, hoping they will turn out to be everything you need!
  • The Reality: learning their flaws, believing they will change, or that these flaws won’t bother you much
  • The Let down: you are emotionally connected, intimately involved, and  scared you may be realizing they may not be suited for a ‘forever’ relationship with you.

A better, healthier, emotionally stable scenario for dating should run like this:

  • The Meeting: the first time you meet; you learn some interesting things and are intrigued.
  • The Talking stage: talking on the phone, or texting, getting to know them.
  • The Dating: Learning all you can, for as long as you can BEFORE becoming emotionally attached to them, intimate with them, Evaluating if their values and priorities jive with yours!
  • The 90 day rule: Don’t give up the cookie for 90 days. See if you can sustain getting to know them for at least 90 days before you become committed, or enter an ‘exclusive’ relationship. This way, you can feel assured that you have spent time discovering and evaluating whether or not they are safe, healthy, kind, and meet other important traits on your list. A great book that includes this awesome idea, is Steve Harvey’s, Act like a Woman, Think like a Man. 

If you have been dating, and you possibly are experiencing some of the following results, These are RED FLAGS. Red Flags are cautions about behaviors that usually do not produce positive, successful relationships.  Remember (this had a HUGE impact on me when I first read it) “We only allow people to treat us in a manner that matches how we really feel about ourselves” —WOW. Where is your deserve level?  Do you need to raise it?

If any of these Red Flags are happening, it is wise to try and re-evaluate your decisions about dating this person.

  • The person you’re dating is dating other people, so you feel confused and jealous.
  • The person you’re dating is not always available, and your unsure as to why.
  • The person you’re dating is needy, calls all the time, and is overly concerned with you.
  • The person you’re dating is emotionally unavailable; but seems to be into you
  • The person you’re dating won’t talk about where your relationship stands
  • The person you’re dating sleeps with you, but will not commit to being exclusive
  • The person you’re dating has an addiction. (drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, gambling, or other…)
  • The person you’re dating is unstable. (Not working, not responsible, not taking care of themselves but relying on others for meeting their basic needs)
  • The person you’re dating does not share your views spiritually
  • The person you’re dating does not share your same values about food, diet, and nutrition, or a healthy lifestyle
  • The person you’re dating does not make you feel energetic or important
  • The person you’re dating seems to be focused on their self mostly
  • The person you’re dating is estranged from their immediate family
  • The person you’re dating asks you for money, a loan, or to borrow things
  • You just have a ‘bad’ vibe, or an ‘off’, unexplainable, negative feeling about them

This list could go on and on, but I tried to hit the important ones.

Believe in meeting the one. Believe timing will be perfect. Believe everything in your life is in divine order. Believe, everything is happening for a good reason. There is power and wisdom in all that happens. And most importantly, know who you are, what it is you want, and then, you will, by default, attract who and what you deserve!!

~Coach Annalisa

For more relationship advice, or a free phone consultation about your situation, call Life Coach, Annalisa at 678-431-6528.

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Happy Valentines Day…but…I want to break up…

IMG_20140725_073621Here’s the hardest reality for some people on Valentines Day: Pretending to celebrate a Love, that in their heart of hearts, has evaporated.  Yet, due to the hurt it may cause their love, they do not want to express their true feelings, before Valentines, during Valentines, or shortly afterwards. The pain of having to conform to a day where lovers exchange gifts, and words of gratitude and passion can be excruciating. Many people love their partner but don’t feel IN LOVE.  It leads to thoughts like, “what is ‘IN LOVE” mean, really? “Can true love even exist?”- “Is finding a soul mate even possible?” Sometimes the hurt of breaking up can be devastating, even if you are the one wanting to call it off. Many times, the other person didn’t do anything wrong, but you aren’t feelin’ it anymore.  When this happens, it is such an ordeal when you know you are going to break someones heart. You dread dealing with the crying, the text messages, the constant questions. You’re to the point of visualizing an interrogation of disastrous proportions!! Maybe though, You’re not wanting the break up, but someone has or is trying to…break up with you.

Here’s an amazingly positive thought. What if breaking up could be perceived as a LOVING gesture? Breaking up could actually be a GIFT!  Let’s examine how this can be true, even for the broken hearted receiver from the ‘breaker-upper’.

First of all, here are some of the feelings breaker-uppers usually have. They feel like they need space. They feel they need to disconnect, not necessarily for actions they dislike about their partner, but rather, actions they want to experience without being in an exclusive relationship. Some people want to break the constant communication, checking in, the assumed ‘together time’ on the weekends, and it’s not always about being interested in someone else. Breaker-uppers sometimes want out of feeling trapped. Or maybe, they haven’t felt independent in so long, they need more time to discover more about themselves.  Some breaker-upper’s have a gut feeling, an intuition that is leading them toward being solo –for no apparent reason, just feels right to transition there. And for some, the red flags of the relationship or the other person are just too much to continue. There are different value systems and priorities that become apparent after being with someone for a while, (after the infatuation stage wears off, which can be a year up to 7 years!) and the person didn’t do anything wrong like cheat, or defy their loyalty or respect, but one person just realizes the differences are too vast to remain compatible.  There is the case where the breaker-upper ‘changes’ in their values or priorities, and the relationship isn’t flowing like it once did when choices and decisions were made around different activities and perspectives. Also, there are people who are shy about speaking up in a new relationship to honor their deeper preferences, and then when they become stronger in expressing what they really want, this becomes foreign to their partner, and causes conflict.

Whatever the situation is, breaking up is always a hard thing to do. However, if you look at yourself, look deep within yourself, it really doesn’t matter if you are being broken up with, or you’re the one breaking up — IT IS STILL A GIFT and let me tell you why.  If the other person is ‘doubtful’ of their feelings, or needs more time to evaluate their individuality — PRAISE GOD for this!!! Would you want someone to stay with you otherwise? If you did, you are selfish. The best relationships are the ones where two individually healthy people team up, speak up, live it up, and love up life – together.  If your partner is breaking up, they are giving you the gift of freedom. Freedom to evaluate ‘your own life’ – (while they evaluate theirs!) and freedom of time to explore your passions, experience life without being on a team for a while. It can be WONDERFUL!  And think of this, they are actually giving you the most UNSELFISH gift. The gift of TRUTH. They are being honest with their feelings.  it would be dishonest to hide those feelings on Valentine’s, offering you rose pedals, bouquets, chocolate, and sex, but their heart is wanting out.

I’ve never understood the ‘anger’ people have when someone breaks up. I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want me. The ‘wanting me’ is a major part of why I want them!!  I value myself. I love myself. I love my life. I like my personality. I like my career. I love my friends and family. If someone else doesn’t value me, ALL the qualities about me, even my short comings, then WHY would I beg, cry, ask a million questions, and even spend any time worrying over their decision of leaving me? I wouldn’t. No one gets that kind of  power over me. Sadness? Yes, it’s OK to be sad. But only for a moment. Some need longer moments than others.  But if you look at a break-up as a gift, a gift the other person gave YOU, and gave their self, you can take this punch a little stronger.

Also, Breaking up is an act of service and kindness. Why? Because it speaks volumes for the breaker-upper’s deeper character. They are being true to self. They are able to express a feeling; they are not afraid to risk a future friendship, or love, because they are honoring their inner sense of knowing. They are trusting a gut feeling, or their inner compass. They could be following God’s will, and/or, their inner sense of caution. While to most, a break-up is horrible, and viewed as depressing, and unkind; to healthy people, it is an act of real love for self, and for their soon to be -former lover.

“IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, LET IT GO, IF IT’S MEANT TO BE IT WILL COME BACK TO YOU”

Another positive approach to a breakup, is to look at it as a way to know, evaluate, or gauge if the relationship is TRULY meant to be, truly intimate, and truly what you want for the rest of your life. How could you determine this if there has never been a time you could venture into thinking for yourself, deciding individually for yourself, or freedom to develop your own ideas, your own goals. If you have ALWAYS been a team, and you feel shorted by not having independance with life’s ups and downs, it is HEALTHY to break up to go through a discovery process. This type of break up sends a positive message- that you aren’t rejecting your lover, but rather, you are in need of space from being exclusive, and all that exclusivity has involved during your relationship.There is a big difference!

So, if you are contemplating a break-up, or someone is breaking up with you, look at this as a positive transitional time in your life of God’s favor. It is a blessing of time. It is a gift in kindness. It is a chance to personally grow. It is a breather. It is a freedom opportunity to discover more about yourself. It is a healthy time for you to develop personally. It is a break from dual-choices, into the liberating feeling of independent thinking. It can provide time and space for personal reflection, contemplation, and setting values or goals into motion.

BREAKING UP is…(not hard to do)…but rather, a non-selfish, act of honest, loving kindness. Accept or give the gift without worry of hurt, but with compassion for a positive future for both people. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not boastful. Love is not jealous or self serving. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. Love does not anger, but comforts. Love serves. Love never fails. 1 Cor. 14:4-8, and some additions- by your’s truly. : )

Happy Breaking up this Valentines day. I sincerely wish you have found hope and faith in what the world views as a hardship; as a renewal time, an amazing gift, and one of the most sincerest acts of kindness within all that Love embraces.

~Life Coach, Relationship Specialist, Inspirational Speaker,

Annalisa O’Toole

For more relationship advice, dating, marriage, or divorce coaching or support, or counsel…

Email Coach Annalisa: lifecoachannalisa@gmail.com…

Read other blogs at http://www.wordpress.com/inspiredliving…

Call 678-431-6528 to set up a phone or live session in Buford, GA…

Follow Coach Annalisa on twitter: @coachannalisa

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DATING MUST DO’s… when you meet someone new!

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Dating Must Do’s..

When you meet someone new…

Meeting new people, potential dating prospects can be fun, but also exhausting if you’re trying too hard. Maybe you signed up for speed dating, or you’re online with a dating site, or just hitting your local pub for karaoke night in hopes THE ONE will be there –this article will help you. As a Relationship specialist, I see a lot of dating mistakes in the single community. As I coach individuals, I first work to guide them toward shifting their thoughts toward positive expectations, believing, and trusting the right person will be coming into their life, soon.
Before you even meet someone, your thoughts and beliefs should be aligned with what it is you deeply and truly want. If you don’t believe you will ever meet the right one, or you say to yourself –“There’s just no one out there that’s a perfect match for me” – Guess what? Your right! The first step in meeting a person who is most likely your match is changing your thoughts toward your expectations. Read the following great tips for developing a potential dating relationship:
1. ALWAYS BELIEVE! There is a soul mate for you. BELIEVE and trust that the right person for you is coming into your life soon. BELIEVE and EXPECT you will meet this person in the perfect time. BELIEVE that you are worthy and deserve the right person. Believe that they will be aligned with the right characteristics that you want, you need, and you desire. This brings us to the second step of meeting the perfect dating candidate –
2. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT! How could you ever expect to know if someone aligns with your life, values, and preferences, if you haven’t made a written list of your must-haves, or at least a mental list of the qualities (physical and emotional) that you desire most in a partner? If you haven’t made your list, this is a vital step in meeting an ideal mate.
3. TAKE THE SLOW ROAD! Someone you just met does not need to hear from you by text or phone calls more than once a day, if even that! Take it slow at first, and get a feel for their comfort zone in the area of staying in contact. Their job, their responsibilities on the home-front (kids, elderly, room-mates, etc) can play a major part in their availability. Also, with mature daters, (divorced, older adults) talk-texting is less preferred. And honestly, talk-texting (this is where you send multiple conversational statements, instead of short brief texts like, I’m running late, Thinking of you, Sorry i couldn’t answer, I’m in a meeting, cyl (call ya later), etc) is not a good way to develop a new friendship. Getting to know someone is much more productive when a ‘live’ conversation can determine tones, attitudes, emotions, voice fluctuations, and detect styles of humor, much, much, better. So, Talk live, not text-talking, easy does it!!
4. DEVELOP A FRIENDSHIP! It is a big mistake to ‘assume’ a relationship, a potential relationship, or assume you’re ‘dating’ just because they shared their number with you, chatted with you online, or are actively taking your texts and calls. EASY does it! Take the dating jitters away by assuming you have a great new friend, and that’s all. This way, there’s less tension (even if you find yourself very attracted to them) and there is less tension if you don’t have a physical chemistry with them (this could grow, ya know! based from becoming super-compatible) This includes not using sexual innuendos, not flirting heavily, or using inappropriate comments or language – that is a real turn off when you’re considering growing a friendship, and should be reserved for a close, dating relationship. Another red flag in a new developing ‘friendship’ is not fishing for compliments, fishing for feed-back for someone to verbalize their future desires, fishing for information on where you stand in the relationship (all of these are indicate you may be insecure and/or needy) Allow the relationship to develop naturally, have fun! Developing a friendship should also include the old school-90-day-rule. If you aren’t familiar, this is the rule where you ‘do not become intimately involved’ for 90 days. Devout Christians refrain until marriage, an awesome choice. Some daters however, truly believe intimate relations has no bearing on the success of a future relationship at all. Statistics show, more men label women who do not set boundaries for this area as ‘good-time’ girls, thinking, “if they will go here with me this quickly, how many other’s have gotten this lucky too?” Be a ‘keeper’ , be someone who vows- for your own protection, not to give yourself away before you connect with someone on a deep, very emotionally bonded way, and you have had ample time to understand their deeper characteristics (that meet your list) before you become intimate. Once you are intimate, you have sent a hidden message (guys and girls) “YOU ARE A MATCH FOR ME!” Too many relationships are based on great physical attraction, and the emotional bond is lacking, therefore, the relationship has trouble; and is very hard to break out of after crossing this line.
5.ASK QUESTIONS!!! As you get to know someone, ask questions that help you determine their inner, deeper values, interests, hobbies, passions, beliefs, lifestyle and preferences. By doing this, this will help you cut to the chase with where you want the ‘friendship to go’ and you can set the tones to keep the relationship in the areas in which you prefer. Here are some area’s of relationships to determine which one (by asking lots of questions) they are in:

  • New Friend-Getting to know them, its brand new (within 1-3 weeks new)
  • New Friend-Talking stage, sharing conversations, emails, texting, chat (1 day – years, can vary greatly)
  • New Friend-want to spend some time together now stage-has intrigued me enough to want to get together (not a formal, or romantic date, just a casual outing or get together is best. No Kissing!!!) NO RUSHING….it will almost never work out, no matter how bad you want to rush it!!
  • New Boy/Girl-Friend-want to commit to dating exclusively (only date that person) not seeing other people – in deep like, infatuated for sure, maybe falling in love -change relationship status on social media!
  • Broken-Relationship -Staying Friends, but not remaining in an exclusive relationship- something just wasn’t aligned with my needs – this person did not turn out to be a match for me, I know why, I can communicate why -and can move forward positively. (If you don’t know what happened, but your love went MIA or broke up without a full explanation -or had someone else on the side- they have a serious communication problem, better you’re out now, than down the road! A person unable to express their desires, or dislikes, isn’t someone who would create a harmonious future!)
  • Friend with benefits – this is a sad place to be, because it implies you have sexual needs without commitment, without emotional attachment, and in the long run, you potentially hurt your own heart. Having a friendship-on-fire in a committed relationship where the person meets your needs and creates you to feel fulfilled is the ultimate sexual experience, and the ultimate intimate closeness. There is nothing lasting about this (fwb) arrangement, this temporary fulfillment gives false-hope, usually ending in hurt, abandonment, and no friendship at all. If one person begins a relationship with someone else, this is an awkward predicament and can cause ill-will.

6. KNOW & LOVE WHO YOU ARE! Know your calling. Know your purpose. Spend time alone in quiet meditation. Like being alone. Get comfortable being alone, in quiet discovery of personal growth. Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years? What dreams do you want to accomplish? Where is your ideal retirement location? Do you have retirement planned, or are you more spontaneously taking life as it comes? What are your preferences with adult children, education, elderly parents, future career plans? Have you planned for your health needs, or created a will? If you haven’t discovered yourself, and know your political, spiritual, career, personal, and parenting preferences and goals, how could you possibly know if someone will align with them? How will you know if their lifestyle will match yours if you don’t know where you want to live, or work, or end up? This ‘lack of personal purpose is a major root of many unhappy couples in marriage coaching sessions, one person has no idea what they want to be when they grow up even though they are a mature adult, and often project their unhappiness onto their spouse!! Discover WHO you are, WHAT you want, then make your ideal mate list. When you know yourself, your ideal mate will be a life-partner, not just a convenient, fun, companion.
7. DON’T SEND THE WRONG SIGNALS! It is not a good idea to make yourself completely available in a new relationship. Show the person you have interests, you have a great fulfilling life (this makes you more interesting!) No one really wants or needs someone with them as much as possible (a sign of emotionally unhealthiness) If you agree to meet them every time they ask, if you engage in long, gazey-eye contact, if you begin or entertain flirtations, begin texting and staying in close contact each morning, each evening, you are sending the message: I AM VERY INTERESTED IN YOU. If you want to remain ‘just-friends’, don’t send the wrong signals. Set the appropriate boundaries (kindly of course) that continues and fosters the friendship. There are definite actions of friends, and definite actions more appropriate for daters. Know the difference. Everyone, whether a match for you or not, deserves to be treated respectfully, honestly, and kindly. If they were not really interested in you, would you want them to continue to flirt, kiss you, and text you often? The Golden Rule is a good one to follow in new friendships!
Wishing you the best dating endeavors, smart new friendship choices, and the greatest relationship success!! I believe in you, believe in yourself, believe in your soul mate, and in ALL your dreams coming true!!

Life Coach, Relationship Specialist, Inspirational Speaker,
Annalisa O’Toole

For more dating and relationship coaching, visit www.annalisaotoole.com

“The List”…a guide for dating

Many people make the mistake of ‘falling into infatuation’ with the ‘illusion’ the person they are attracted to, is or could be, ‘the one’. They are in hopeful mode that the deeper character of this person is a match for what their personal needs are, so they move forward in the relationship, only to get disappointed after they become ‘emotionally connected’ because things aren’t working out. Their expectations are not met, and the whole ordeal is a big disappointment.  To keep yourself ‘guarded’, and determining if this person is a match, to keep from becoming too emotionally connected too fast…here is a sample list of qualities. It is important to have

the list….

Henry Ford SAW the Model T in his mind before he developed it.  Abraham Lincoln had a VISION in his mind of leading as an influential politician, running 9 times before being elected. Hank Aaron struck out way more times than he hit home runs because he was CLEAR on hitting homeruns and determined. BELIEVE in your soul mate. ASK God to bring you favor for a companion that is well suited and aligned with your needs and desires. TRUST that God is bringing this person to you. BE CLEAR WHO THEY NEED TO BE, by making a list. Use this one as a guide. Tweak it, Delete things, add things, and re-word things. But, HAVE YOUR LIST!!

This is a real list created for a client that she and I created, as she was having trouble evaluating whether to continue in dating after certain qualities or characteristics became apparent.

I am sending this to you because I didn’t know if you had a list, and hoping this will bring you much success in your dating endeavors!!

Love & Friendship ~

Life Coach Annalisa

www.annalisaotoole.com

P.S. IT WORKS!!

 

THE LIST:

  1. IDENTIFY the Characteristics you must have in someone.
  2. IDENTIFY the Personal needs you must have in a relationship.
  3. IDENTIFY the Must-haves within a relationship.
  4. IDENTIFY the Red Flags that sabotage a relationship.
  5. IDENTIFY your Values to determine if someone’s values match yours or come close.

 

Characteristics & Must Haves:   Someone who…

  1. Is financially stable and manages their money well.
  2. Is able to talk and communicate about thoughts and feelings.
  3. Is emotionally healthy.
  4. Is able to converse about many subjects.
  5. Can civilly discuss differences-NO: yelling, name calling, changing subject, interrupting)
  6. Does not get angry or defensive & communicates without harshness.
  7. Understands me; we get each other; get on the same page consistently.
  8. Asks questions to seek understanding before jumping to assumptions.
  9. Clearly communicates desires, and goals.
  10. Listens to me, and has input about my ideas, goals, and plans.
  11. Likes to have fun.
  12. Engaged with my children, enjoys activities with family.
  13. emotionally available to me (for my needs, and needing me for theirs)
  14. has a strong work ethic, likes what they do, has passionate purpose
  15. Loves the Lord, and there are fruits in their life to show that.
  16. Goes to church not because I do, but because they like to go.
  17.  approaches our dating decisions as a ‘team’ –  brings ‘us’ together on things
  18. Takes responsibilities for personal choices, actions and obligations – not blaming or finding excuses for things in their control.
  19. A gentleman –or- A Classy woman (well mannered) (socially fits into different type environments)
  20.  is patient
  21.  is kind
  22.  is not self-centered

PERSONAL NEEDS LIST:    Someone who…

  1. is thoughtful
  2. does not criticize me
  3. Encourages and praises and compliments.
  4. provides me with affirmations that we are secure and they are happy
  5. makes me feel important
  6. Makes me feel needed.
  7. someone who makes me feel accepted for who I am
  8. takes the time to know my heart, my desires, my favorite things
  9. is helpful to me
  10. is charming and uses words to affirm their feelings and adoration for me
  11. Accepts and understands my children, their weaknesses & their strengths.
  12. has positive, warm, energy when I am around
  13. always has a kind word to say
  14. Treats other’s they don’t know well in a kind pleasant way.
  15. Will listen to my feelings, even if it’s constructive criticism, and converse without argument about it, doesn’t easily get defensive, can discuss feelings with ease.
  16. Can get to know me on a deep level, without making me feel judged.
  17. Does not put me down, passively or openly.
  18. See’s my weaknesses, but cares about me, and is patient with me anyway.
  19. can laugh with me, not ‘at me’ about things
  20. is proud to have me beside them
  21. displays affection
  22. soothes me when I’m upset rather than get angry that I’m upset
  23. will stay in close communications, talking and texting – so I’m not guessing
  24. will be understanding of my past, and allow me time to grow through issues
  25. Will have my back about things rather than try to tell me I’m wrong; or if I am wrong, tells me in a loving constructive way, not a way that is hurtful.
  26. inspires me, encourages me, and creates positive energy when we’re together
  27. is romantic
  28. shares, is kind-hearted, generous, helpful, and fair
  29. initiates plans and creates plans, not one who counts on me to do it all

VALUES:

  1.  values companionship (romance, team, fun, communication, laughter, travel, prayer)
  2. values family (time, patience, fun, planning, providing, encouragement, )
  3. values God (attends church, talks openly about relationship, strives for best)
  4.  values priorities (financially responsible, work ethic, puts relationship 1st, )

***First, you should determine YOUR personal VALUES and then you know if someone else will be an ideal match because you will share the same ones – in the top 4-6, if at least 2 are the same, the relationship can work. If NO values are matched in two people’s top 6, trouble can occur. People make decisions based on their inner values – so expectations would constantly be unmet if people had vastly differing values.

 

RED FLAGS:

  • Needs to borrow money, or have you front money until…, needs you to buy something to get paid back later, and needs you to co-sign on something. Needs to borrow an item, or your time, or your labor, etc…on a consistent basis. These are all indicative that they are financially, or otherwise- unstable. Financially unstable people over 40 usually stay that way. How to determine this: Look and listen for clues that they have ‘borrowed’ someone else’s item or items. They may have some type of loan owed to a friend or loved one. They are currently renting from a friend or staying with a friend or relative. (Understandable if a young student) They may be driving a car owned by someone else, but no plans to buy it. They sometimes have a part time job, or in a job that is temporary, are unemployed, or job-hoppers.   Takers.

 

  • Picks at little things about you. Makes critical remarks or points out little discrepancies about you. Try’s to appear as though they are teasing, but they do not sandwich these comments with praises, adoration, compliments, or encouragement.  Corrects you. Seems disturbed when you’re confused or make a mistake, rather than correct in a gentle- fun, way with laughter.  Belittlers.

 

  • Is not interested in spending time with your children, friends, or family. Their time around your children is just when he’s around you; he doesn’t make an effort or show attention or understanding to grow a relationship with them individually.They seem disinterested in your friends and family is a sign they may not be that into you.  Or, they may be a control freak and unappreciated your love of family, friends, and people because they want you to their self. BIG HUGE FLAG HERE.  Homewreckers.

 

  • Doesn’t take you or want to go out. They always want to ‘hang out’, but not ‘go out’…They only call at the last minute or doesn’t make a plan or agree with a plan in advance. They seem to only need you late at night. Or they may only see you after they have been drinking or has been elsewhere in the day or evening. They are not making you an important ‘part’ of their world, but making you a ‘part-time- good-time friend’ outside their world-but their words tell you otherwise. They sleep with you, but may have another sexual partner(s). (Ex. Someone married or in another relationship, or getting out of a relationship, someone who travels a lot, someone who is not committed exclusively to you, etc…) Homebodies.

 

  • Breaks their word. When someone breaks their word, or commitment, it makes a person feel rejected. It creates the belief inside of us, that we are unimportant, and something else is ‘more’ important. Emergencies and unexpected things happen, but if this happens frequently – BE WEARY.  A person who honors their word is a person of deep, good character. People who break their word often are usually unstable emotionally, uncommitted to a purpose or plan. Tumbleweeds.

 

  • Lacks a purpose, or ‘focus of passion’ in some defined area of their life! People with a passionate purpose, a defined interest of some kind, whether intertwined with work, or missions, or church related or voluntarily or hobby oriented, are just not as interesting and they are just wondering and many times unhappy and searching for contentment. They lack vision, or clear direction, and will be the type of person who may continue on a quest for direction only to fail at attempts to find it, or become discouraged. They potentially may stop a continued effort and become a stagnant type person who is growing weary of life in general. A person with passion in some area of life is a person who most likely, will not depend on another person for happiness, but embrace a great relationship to be an extension of their inner joy and mission. Question to determine: What inspires you? Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years? What are you passionate about most in life?Drifters.

 

  • Doesn’t feel comfortable talking about feelings. If you encounter an emotionally unavailable person, RUN! How to determine this: They do not ask questions to gather more information when you begin talking about your feelings. They may become agitated with the conversation. They may immediately stop the conversation, leave the room, get distracted, create avoidance, or change the subject.  Funtimers.

 

  • Quick tempered, easily frustrated or upset, or easily angered. This is a sign of an unhealthy emotional person who obviously has some unresolved issues within themselves. They are often the very people who ‘twist’ your feelings into making you feel as though YOU have done something wrong, or behaved hastily – when in fact, they have hurt you, and aren’t healthy enough to ‘hear’ your hurt or why. How to determine this: Listen closely to their tones and attitudes toward challenges that arise in their life, they will display this toward things outside of you long before they will demonstrate this to you in the beginning of a relationship. Signs are: easily agitated with a slow server, easily argumentative with a someone over a small situation, finds fault quickly with others, shows frustration over the slightest setback, complains about work a lot, has disagreements with people often in their circle of influence, is estranged from a family member (parent, sibling, child, former partner, etc)   Maddogs.

 

  • Has not lived alone or outside of being involved in a relationship. This is usually a sign that this person has trouble being alone. A person who is not comfortable being alone, is usually not in tune with their inner self. Often they do not like their self, sometimes they can be insecure. They possibly can be co-dependent, not always a good choice, because no one wants to be connected to someone who is needy-clingy. Question for them to determine this: How long have you lived alone, or been in the single lifestyle without being involved in a relationship?    Dependents.

 

  • Seems to always see the glass half-empty, has a down-spirit about them, shows a negative attitude toward work, life, people, and challenges –This person seems  ‘mad at the world’ or- only happy when they are around other’s, in a party, or at a social event, but down when they are in a quiet setting, alone, or with just you. This type of person is subtle at first with these type characteristics, but then starts showing stronger signs of them. This is usually a sign of a depressed person, or an introverted person who is unhappy, and feels unfulfilled in some way.  This type individual often looks for and is attracted to someone outgoing, a happy energetic person. They tend to seek out positive energetic souls to make them feel accepted and worthy – but when a person doesn’t discover this on their own, within their self, their relationships will have difficulties. Question to determine this: What do you love most about yourself? People down on life will be down on their self, and most likely have terrible trouble answering this.  Downers.

 

  • Doesn’t attend church regularly. Not really interested in growing in a relationship with God. Doesn’t really talk about God, or Faith, or Spiritual things. Fruits of the spirit are not apparent in this person’s life (love, joy, peace, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, patience (not pushing your way), gentleness (self-control))

Question for them to determine this: So, what’s God doing or showing you, in your life right now?

 Unconscious.

 

  • Draws attention to their self.In the way they dress, or the tone of their voice, or they are flirtatious regularly, or they purposely go out of their way to flaunt a behavior or talk about a subject to capture the attention of a proposed interested party – they buy personal gifts, or lavish gifts -or provide cooked items or favors over and above the normal (usually for the opposite sex) in an attempt to gain approval, or get affirmed, or just get attention. It can harm a developing relationship because these types of gestures are always misunderstood, and usually the ‘doer’ justifies their behavior as being a ‘good friend’. Beware of these types of individuals – they are searching for affirmations externally rather than find it within. Exhibitionists.

I Hope you will evaluate and tread easily into new relationships, or your current one with a greater knowledge and understanding of who you are, what you need, and create healthy boundaries, so you know who is meant in your life for a moment, a season, or a lifetime! Create your personal list….BELIEVE in this person, TRUST in God’s favor, KNOW you are deserving of this partner for life, and your soul mate will manifest!!!

Happy Dating!! May you discover your last first kiss soon!!

Life Coach Annalisa O’Toole

The ideas expressed in this blog are the sole opinions and professional advice of Life Coach Annalisa O’Toole and are for individual voluntary reading and insight is based upon personal perspective. This material is intended to be used as a guide and may not be suited for everyone.