I love my partner, but they’re making me crazy!

Are you in that love – hate relationship that is having constant conflict? Are you in emotional turmoil most of the time over this relationship? Do you miss the romantic spark you once felt? Maybe you are getting along, but you feel it’s only because you don’t speak up about your feelings, for fear it will develop into an argument. Whatever your relationship problem, there is hope for a positive future. There is good news about this, and also bad news.

The good news is, you DESERVE to have your needs met. You are worthy to be heard and feel understood. You are valuable, and your feelings do matter. You can have a blissful, romantic, fun, friendship and companion who meets your needs and rocks your world. So, that’s all the good news. Moving on to the not-so-good part…

In order to experience positive, flowing, fun, non-combative, friendship and romance, you have to understand this very important belief and absorb this belief into your deepest counsciousness. You must accept and agree with this belief. For some, this may be shocking. For other’s it may be just what the Doctor ordered. Many people will have a hard time accepting this belief as a serious truth. Here is the first step in positive relationships:

~Never allow your need for affection or affirmation; nor your fear of being alone to over ride your ability to prevent emotional connection to someone who does not meet your needs.~

Interestingly enough, the first step in qualifying someone for dating exclusively, is learning as much about them as you can. I had a close friend once who would meet someone interesting, and upon my asking how that new friendship was going, he replied, “oh, she wasn’t my model number!”

Habits and Behaviors that occur during dating (good or bad in your view) will usually multiply upon living together or in marriage. Evaluation should be the mission during infatuation! To clearly establish if someone meets the preferences that align with your needs (or not) indicates you are confident with your own personal path. How could being physically attracted to someone just majically work if you haven’t figured out your own course for life? Maybe you haven’t settled on a career path- or you’ve decided on taking 3 months to hike and sight-see Europe, wouldn’t it be great to know that a person would support your goals or aspirations? If your dream is to live and work in a foriegn city for a year- or do an internship in a busy city, but your love interest is passionate on a farm in the mountains living off-grid, you may need to reconsider getting serious. Geographical incompatibilities are just one area, there are of course, many other preferrences of people to learn about! Having clarity for yourself and knowing what your deepest values and needs would be from a partner, speaks volumes for your confidence level. Relationships have a higher success rate if individuals allow theirself time to become friends and establish a deep understanding of each others inner charachter before becoming emotionally connected. It’s important to understand though, that it’s not our job to mold or change someone so our needs are met. The right emotionally balanced and mature person should meet your needs naturally- for the most part- because they love you.

Individuals who can clearly state what they like, what they don’t like, and have courage and confidence to speak up for their needs, are much more likely to be satisfied in a realtionship, versus someone unable to speak up for what they want. Many times people can not speak up for what they need because they don’t even know! You can’t expect someone else to love you if you don’t love yourself enough to have a plan for your life! How would you know if someone WOULD fit along side you and your mission- if you don’t even know what it is yet?

Once you’ve discovered your calling, you can gage so easily, (when you’re attracted to someone and you begin talking)- if there could be a potential connection that develops. You would know because a potential dating partner should respond to your interests with enthusiasm, supportive gestures, helpful ideas and be your biggest fan.

If you are in a relationship where your personal needs are not met, and you have expressed what they are (and they are reasonable, doable, and not crazy, costly, immoral or illegal!) then you may need to reconsider how long you plan to stay in an uncomfortable relationship that is constantly resistant to meeting your needs.
Maybe, your needs are not about you. In other words, you’re desiring change in your partner because that change will somehow be more pleasant to you. In your partners life, however, their behavior is comfortable. The change you seek is considered your ‘preference’ (not a personal need) and is in conflict with your partner’s ‘preference’. Here’s a common Example: You prefer no alcohol. Your partner drinks. This can cause serious lifestyle conflicts. The only way a couple with these differing values could grow in a positive way, is for one or the other to “give up” their preference, and honor their word, consistantly. So either the non-drinker accepts the drinker -and all the lifestyle choices that go along with that (over-indulgence with drinking from time to time, spending extra money on alcohol, socially partaking, etc) or, the drinker quits and goes along with lifestyle choices supporting the sobriety. There is no grey area here- unless both people remain in their preferred lifestyle choice; which would mean breaking up or divorcing; or staying together with constant conflict.

Another example is a couple who is unequally yoked spiritually. One is an avid church goer, one is not. But if one person continues to try and judge or change their partner due to the difference (could be either partner here) it doesn’t feel good- one feels resistance on a consistant basis. However, if both parties agree on the situation, it can be a non-issue. If they can not agree- it means resistance continues; or to avoid resistance on a consistant basis- one partner decides they do not want to live with that resistance over a vast difference in values. The only way to live with a partner having a different value or lifestyle choice is to accept it- and make no resistance over it, or determine that value is unacceptable to you, to the point of it being completely unbearable – and get out of the relationship.

Before getting out, (if thats your decision) it is a good idea to express to your partner what your very serious ‘need or preference’ is and express that the future of staying together depends on it. Someone who loves you and wants to be with you, someone who respects you and your lifestyle, will either comply, or choose their preference over you. But, respectfully accept this, because this means at least they have clarity for what they value and need.

Positive relationships will have situations that feel resistance, but they shouldn’t be continual. If resistance continues, over the same differences for long periods of time; it simply means someone, after agreeing to a solution, has broken their word. It is important to know if you are someone who can continue forgiving and restarting new committments, or if this is unbearable.

Counseling can help individuals- if a person is consistant to seek guidance.

Remember this…

~The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results~

Know yourself, know your needs. Honoring yourself is vital before you can successfully unite with someone in an exclusive relationship. And, never try changing people. Inspire them by sharing your convictions- but know when it’s a fit or time for a flight!

~LifeCoach Annalisa O’Toole

For more info on #relationships visit http://www.annalisaotoole.wordpress.com

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Be THAT Girl!!

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WOMEN’S 5 quick tips to reach a man’s heart, staying there and being THAT girl he cherishes. ..
1.Men are hungry; become a great cook. A tough day for any man becomes a better day quickly if he walks into his home smelling dinner!! If he’s the cook, learn about making a few entrées, he’ll need a break -and don’t forget to shop for the list to help him!
2.Men do not need to financially support your retail therapy, your cosmetic/body/beauty maintenance, your extensive wardrobe, shoe collection, accessorizing obsession, your house decor do-overs or your pets. They can usually live without those in their personal budget. Even if you’re a couple, respect the family budget. Make enough money to support these and “still” add to the team or family account. It’s the right thing to do. If you’re a stay-at-home mom, google ways to earn extra money at home…there are 1000’s of ways so you’re not dependant 100% on him.
3. Keep yourself slamming fit! You need to LOVE YOURSELF before you can expect him to!! Get your hair done, do your nails. Seek Therapy if your depressed, have emotional issues, or need self-empowerment. Even if you don’t wear make-up, at least have on mascara, lip gloss with fresh breath when your man comes home!
4. Have your passions-hobbies-interests that you love and stay involved with…you’ll stay full of great conversations and be interesting. Also, being active in your own thing means never being predictable (Boring!) If you make yourself completely and totally available. ..your man can feel smothered. Even if your married and your man seems to want a lot of your time, trust me girls, say no sometimes. Absence is healthy. It creates many positive benefits for both people.
5. Feed your man’s ego…compliment him…be his biggest fan…go out of your way to engage in his world. Save your debbie-downer day gab for your gf’s!! Throw in a back rub while you encourage, support, compliment him!!!
These are just five dating and relationship coaching tips. If you need more insight on finding and keeping love, contact me,
Life Coach Annalisa!
www.annalisaotoole.com
678-431-6528

Relationship “BASICS”, do you have them?

Image Just as there is Etiquette for business, and for entertaining, and for family guidelines…there is relationship etiquette that you shouldn’t have to teach others. One problem that creates a huge gap between two people is when one person seems to understand these simple etiquette guidelines, and another person has a completely different perspective of relating to their partner.  When you have two people who can not seem to get on the same page, and this happens frequently, it is common that when one person tries to explain or help their partner try to understand their view about an issue, or a feeling, it usually ends up in an argument, or creates conflict.

I can not cover ‘all’ relational subject matter that presents couples with problems in one blog, but what is covered are the “BASICS” of healthy, relationship characteristics. The goal here is for you to cross reference this list with your behaviors, your actions, to see if you are making some big relationship mistakes. Also, you may find you need to make changes to improve on creating nurturing, loving connections for you and your love. 

If you are having relationship difficulty, it is always best to evaluate your own behaviors and actions, make self-improvements so you can become your best. When two people are their personal, very best as individuals, they create a bond that is more fun, healthy, intriguing, fulfilling, and passion will naturally develop out of a friendship on fire!

Here are the BASICS (etiquette) for healthy individuals to acquire in order to have a healthy relationship. See if you have some of these characteristics. Evaluate your actions and behaviors, your relationships can improve when you do!

BASIC Rules for INDIVIDUALS so they can experience Healthy relationships:

  1. Passionate Purpose – a person who has interests, a well-liked career perhaps, a hobby, or involvement in a ’cause’, a ‘service’, a work-related mission, or community, or maybe just a personal goal of some kind that drives them to learn more, do more, help more, and generally keeps them excited, challenged, and busy in pursuit of this great endeavor!
  2. Financially Independent & Responsible with Money – This person understands the importance of saving & earning consistently – a person who can make money, manage money, and save money, pay their bills on time, (without excuses or whining) has a positive attitude about money, is a person who can more easily ‘share’ money. This person could take the money they live on, and support an adequate lifestyle even without their partner. This person is able to communicate about money, financial goals, and compromise. This person is not spontaneous, or impulsive, or out of control in their spending habits.
  3. Not Jealous or controlling – this person allows their partner to live independently (have their own interests and activities) and embraces the differences in them. This person does not need to call or text their partner constantly – more than their partner prefers or is comfortable with. They do not have trust issues, they do not feel threatened by friendships their partner has outside the relationship. This person understands that social media is a friendship and networking community and there is not a reason to mistrust their partners use of it. This person is confident in their relationship, and therefore, it is easy to encourage their partner to grow their interests, their businesses, or their passions in whatever that entails.
  4. Never verbally or physically abusive, not easily angered. This person does not project their anger when their expectations are not met, because they are able to communicate without losing their temper. They have impulse control. They do not become emotionally irate. This person can calmly express their thoughts and feelings and have discussions that do not become loud, or full blown arguments. They know that straying from the subject at hand, name-calling, threats to leave, interrupting, getting defensive, and creative avoidant behaviors never lead to resolutions, they only prolong the issues which go unresolved.
  5. They understand their partners love language and cater to it.
  6. They understand their partners values, and are not trying to change them in any way.
  7. They are involved in some type of personal growth activity. Examples (Counseling, Bible study, retreat or self-empowerment activity, church, reading, group meetings, service, ministry, training course, continuing education, etc…) A person who continues to be teachable – is a person growing personally.
  8. They have close friends, and are involved in their extended families lives in some way. This is a sign a person doesn’t have grudges, but forgives and is compassionate toward other’s.
  9. They take care of their bodies, their environment, and their belongings, their children and their pets. They have pride to strive toward good health physically, take pride in cleanliness, and in strive to life a healthy lifestyle. They are nurturing to their children and pets (not involved in addictions of any kind, unclean home, soiled clothing, messy living/work area’s etc..) 
  10. They have a healthy perspective on how to treat their partner.  They don’t get bent out of shape when something goes wrong. They give their partner space when needed, give love and show love to their partner, they encourage other’s, they are kind, they support and edify their partner. They may hug often, they speak love and life to other’s, they are patient. They feel so confident in who they are, and where they are going, their view is that another person should be privileged to have their love! If not, (while they may experience a heart break) they will still go on thriving- because they know where God is leading them!!

Hope you have the BASICS down….life offers enough tough challenges without having to address confrontations on these 10 basic healthy relational tips!  Remember, it’s up to you to design your life. It’s not up to someone else to make your life better. When you are ALL YOU CAN BE, you will be interesting, fun, and other’s will be attracted to your zest for life! If your waiting on someone else to create your happiness, you will be waiting a long, long time. Create your own happiness, your own stability, your own confidence, and you will be VERY ATTRACTIVE!!

For more great relationship coaching, visit, www.annalisaotoole.com to learn how to GET COACHED!

Helping you BECOME your BEST!!   ~Coach Annalisa