10 Steps for Struggling couples

Featured

couples siloughette

Relationships, unfortunately, don’t have a 3 month, 3000 miles rule for going in and getting a tune-up or oil, filter, lube! But just as important as keeping our auto maintenance periodically, our relationships need checkups too, especially if couples have pushed unresolved issues under the rug over and over for years, and they tend to surface over and over, and they seem to be facing the same problems over and over.

Something to remember is that when a person goes years layering the problems and keeping a record of wrongs in their mind, these records tend to fester and grow bigger the more they think about them, and the more they share them with others, who most likely share their victim stories, and then that only adds fuel to the flame as well.

Conflict resolution means two things. It means a willingness for both parties to participate in being teachable toward listening to possible solutions and guidelines and choose their best path. And second, both people admitting their own personal weaknesses and mistakes, taking responsibilities for those, admitting faults, and moving forward in a positive direction toward compromise and forgiveness.

Coaching and counseling fails if one person has their mind set on the deadset belief that the coaching or counseling session is going to be focused on ‘setting their partner straight’ about some things. In other words, they feel that the counselor is going to hear their view, and going to ‘change their partner’. It will always be the coach or counselors position to hear both parties, and present ideas and suggestions that both people in the relationship may choose as a compromise, so that both parties feel they are working together as a team, and that they are both benefiting from a solution, and working together. Sometimes, however, suggestions will be outside the comfort zone of someone. That is because to accommodate our partners in relationships, change is often a part of successful flowing relationships. This does not mean, however, that we are supposed to change in ways that are uncomfortable, or feel unnatural to us. If there is a change our partner wants us to make that is outside of our comfort zone, we have a very HUGE decision to make, and we all know what that is. We must ask ourselves,

Can I continue to live with and love this person, creating this change in my life, and in theirs, easily and comfortably, without feeling resistance to this change, for the sake of maintaining a positive relationship?

If the answer is yes, you can stay in this relationship without hardship. If the answer is no, you will have a big decision to make.

The reason I love this question is that this question helps us evaluate ‘ourselves’; rather than continue to blame, or point the finger toward our partner. People tend to say things like this…

“Well, if my spouse would just stop…….and then they finish this sentence with whatever behavior is unbecoming…this idea sets up the belief that the problem lies solely outside of their self.

OR this one…

“Well, if only he/she would start ________more, then I would be more________.

They tend to fill in this sentence with whatever they desire from their partner to justify their reason to step up.

Here’s the major part of how this all has to work though. There has to be quality communication about what changes are necessary if any. What does need changing? What needs are being unmet? Has each partner even discussed their personal needs with each other? Why do we struggle? What are the fights about? What are the issues? Here are the 10 steps to get back on track to being friends, having fun, communicating, laughing together, finding that passion, and rediscovering the marriage you once thrived on!

  1. Make your needs list. Exchange it, and work on filling each other’s needs. DAILY.
  2. Buy the LOVE LANGUAGES book. Read it together. Know yours. Know Theirs.
  3. Buy the movie: FIREPROOF. WATCH IT together, ASAP. No Interruptions.
  4. Hire a Life Coach or Counselor, but be open, be teachable. It takes 2!
  5. Talk, Don’t Argue. If emotions get elevated; take a break.
  6. Work on your Communication skills. The NO’s of communicating: no interrupting, no yelling, no blaming, no bringing up the past, no name calling, no going to bed mad, no threats, no ultimatums, no defensiveness, no changing subjects; stay on topic.
  7. Anger will never fix anything but only brew more anger. Talk in a calm manner.
  8. Forgive. Unforgiveness is like paying rent for a home you don’t live in or visit.
  9. Don’t keep a record of wrongs, in your head, or verbally expose them to others about your partner, this just keeps the negative energy alive and continuing.
  10. Start new today with a new attitude of moving forward with positive new ideas for a positive future! You must believe it to achieve it!

For more life coaching information- visit http://www.askannalisa.com or find Life Coach Annalisa on Facebook or other sites as Coach Annalisa or Ask Annalisa!

Ask Annalisa!

Advertisements

I love my partner, but they’re making me crazy!

Are you in that love – hate relationship that is having constant conflict? Are you in emotional turmoil most of the time over this relationship? Do you miss the romantic spark you once felt? Maybe you are getting along, but you feel it’s only because you don’t speak up about your feelings, for fear it will develop into an argument. Whatever your relationship problem, there is hope for a positive future. There is good news about this, and also bad news.

The good news is, you DESERVE to have your needs met. You are worthy to be heard and feel understood. You are valuable, and your feelings do matter. You can have a blissful, romantic, fun, friendship and companion who meets your needs and rocks your world. So, that’s all the good news. Moving on to the not-so-good part…

In order to experience positive, flowing, fun, non-combative, friendship and romance, you have to understand this very important belief and absorb this belief into your deepest counsciousness. You must accept and agree with this belief. For some, this may be shocking. For other’s it may be just what the Doctor ordered. Many people will have a hard time accepting this belief as a serious truth. Here is the first step in positive relationships:

~Never allow your need for affection or affirmation; nor your fear of being alone to over ride your ability to prevent emotional connection to someone who does not meet your needs.~

Interestingly enough, the first step in qualifying someone for dating exclusively, is learning as much about them as you can. I had a close friend once who would meet someone interesting, and upon my asking how that new friendship was going, he replied, “oh, she wasn’t my model number!”

Habits and Behaviors that occur during dating (good or bad in your view) will usually multiply upon living together or in marriage. Evaluation should be the mission during infatuation! To clearly establish if someone meets the preferences that align with your needs (or not) indicates you are confident with your own personal path. How could being physically attracted to someone just majically work if you haven’t figured out your own course for life? Maybe you haven’t settled on a career path- or you’ve decided on taking 3 months to hike and sight-see Europe, wouldn’t it be great to know that a person would support your goals or aspirations? If your dream is to live and work in a foriegn city for a year- or do an internship in a busy city, but your love interest is passionate on a farm in the mountains living off-grid, you may need to reconsider getting serious. Geographical incompatibilities are just one area, there are of course, many other preferrences of people to learn about! Having clarity for yourself and knowing what your deepest values and needs would be from a partner, speaks volumes for your confidence level. Relationships have a higher success rate if individuals allow theirself time to become friends and establish a deep understanding of each others inner charachter before becoming emotionally connected. It’s important to understand though, that it’s not our job to mold or change someone so our needs are met. The right emotionally balanced and mature person should meet your needs naturally- for the most part- because they love you.

Individuals who can clearly state what they like, what they don’t like, and have courage and confidence to speak up for their needs, are much more likely to be satisfied in a realtionship, versus someone unable to speak up for what they want. Many times people can not speak up for what they need because they don’t even know! You can’t expect someone else to love you if you don’t love yourself enough to have a plan for your life! How would you know if someone WOULD fit along side you and your mission- if you don’t even know what it is yet?

Once you’ve discovered your calling, you can gage so easily, (when you’re attracted to someone and you begin talking)- if there could be a potential connection that develops. You would know because a potential dating partner should respond to your interests with enthusiasm, supportive gestures, helpful ideas and be your biggest fan.

If you are in a relationship where your personal needs are not met, and you have expressed what they are (and they are reasonable, doable, and not crazy, costly, immoral or illegal!) then you may need to reconsider how long you plan to stay in an uncomfortable relationship that is constantly resistant to meeting your needs.
Maybe, your needs are not about you. In other words, you’re desiring change in your partner because that change will somehow be more pleasant to you. In your partners life, however, their behavior is comfortable. The change you seek is considered your ‘preference’ (not a personal need) and is in conflict with your partner’s ‘preference’. Here’s a common Example: You prefer no alcohol. Your partner drinks. This can cause serious lifestyle conflicts. The only way a couple with these differing values could grow in a positive way, is for one or the other to “give up” their preference, and honor their word, consistantly. So either the non-drinker accepts the drinker -and all the lifestyle choices that go along with that (over-indulgence with drinking from time to time, spending extra money on alcohol, socially partaking, etc) or, the drinker quits and goes along with lifestyle choices supporting the sobriety. There is no grey area here- unless both people remain in their preferred lifestyle choice; which would mean breaking up or divorcing; or staying together with constant conflict.

Another example is a couple who is unequally yoked spiritually. One is an avid church goer, one is not. But if one person continues to try and judge or change their partner due to the difference (could be either partner here) it doesn’t feel good- one feels resistance on a consistant basis. However, if both parties agree on the situation, it can be a non-issue. If they can not agree- it means resistance continues; or to avoid resistance on a consistant basis- one partner decides they do not want to live with that resistance over a vast difference in values. The only way to live with a partner having a different value or lifestyle choice is to accept it- and make no resistance over it, or determine that value is unacceptable to you, to the point of it being completely unbearable – and get out of the relationship.

Before getting out, (if thats your decision) it is a good idea to express to your partner what your very serious ‘need or preference’ is and express that the future of staying together depends on it. Someone who loves you and wants to be with you, someone who respects you and your lifestyle, will either comply, or choose their preference over you. But, respectfully accept this, because this means at least they have clarity for what they value and need.

Positive relationships will have situations that feel resistance, but they shouldn’t be continual. If resistance continues, over the same differences for long periods of time; it simply means someone, after agreeing to a solution, has broken their word. It is important to know if you are someone who can continue forgiving and restarting new committments, or if this is unbearable.

Counseling can help individuals- if a person is consistant to seek guidance.

Remember this…

~The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results~

Know yourself, know your needs. Honoring yourself is vital before you can successfully unite with someone in an exclusive relationship. And, never try changing people. Inspire them by sharing your convictions- but know when it’s a fit or time for a flight!

~LifeCoach Annalisa O’Toole

For more info on #relationships visit http://www.annalisaotoole.wordpress.com

Relationship Struggles? Tips for re-connecting…

Emotional Connection is the secret to Flowing Relationships...

Emotional Connection is the secret to Flowing Relationships.

INSPIRED LIFE COACHING….. December 2014 Newsletter

by Life Coach, Relationship Specialist & Inspirational Speaker,

Annalisa O’Toole

Emotionally Connecting is the root foundation for relationships to flourish…

If your Relationship is in need of repair, it is most likely, because your EMOTIONAL CONNECTION has been compromised. It is in jeopardy, it is not strong, and it is creating havoc in your life. Here are the BEST ways to reconnect emotionally. It requires at least ONE person, constantly working to show love, support, and admiration, and trustworthiness. It takes two forgiving, honest, and willing people to move forward. If you are the one trying to repair, mend, or save a relationship, you will know the advice below that is specific for you. If you are the one who thinks everything is fine, but your partner is having trouble –look again at the following things. You need to absorb some emotional-connecting tips- and fast!!  Stop arguing about the little things, and realize it is your EMOTIONAL CONNECTION that has been broken. Let’s repair it!!! Hope these tips help you through this season. We are in a season of giving, so try to focus more on what you can GIVE to the relationship, verses WHAT you get or don’t get out of it.

If one is tired, offer a massage —

If one is crying, hold them.

If one is bitchin, say, “I understand what can I do or help you with?”

If one is frustrated, let them vent without getting mad – one person at a time with the elevated emotions!! Your job is to Just listen, empathize, support, offer assistance.

If one is nagging, say, “What can I do to help you?”

If one is demanding, say, “Let me write these things down, so I don’t forget, I know they are important to you, I’ll do my best at these”

If one is distant — give them space.

If one is short—say, “I know it feels as if your world is falling apart, but I still love you.”

If one is quick tempered, say, “How can I make things easier, or relieve your load?”

If one is late home from work, have dinner ready, offer a beverage, sit with them and talk.

If the house is messy, clean it.

If it’s trash day, take it out.

If its grocery day and you’re buying them, bring home flowers guys. Girls: Bring home his favorite item, or beer.

Leave notes of appreciation saying “have a great day” in their car, or by their mirror in the bathroom.

Guys: Buy a spa day certificate, take the kids all day, and tell her she’s off-duty!!!

Girls: Buy an admission ticket to a sports event, or the shooting range (hopefully you haven’t made him too mad! HA!)

Love Languages:

Most people feel loved if their partner does one or more of the following:

TIME      GIFTS      SERVICES        WORDS OF AFFIRMATION       AFFECTION/TOUCH

Figure out which one is their HOT button, do things around that love language as often as possible.

Social Media & Friends of opposite sex:

Clean up your friendships outside the marriage. It is not good to have ‘female’ or ‘male’ friends you talk to daily or often. Even if you speak to this person about getting their gender perspective on your relationship – which seems innocent, it creates a sense of disloyalty within your partner. Phone records can be checked. Although you may not be in a sexual relationship —-an emotional connection starts by talking often — and even if talking often is not leading to an emotional connection, it would never be perceived as ‘platonic’ if there are multiple texts and calls throughout day to day. OR, long patterns of texting or talking on and off throughout the month. Chatting on games, snap chat, vines, and other forms of communication are all the same. They are not healthy to participate in with friends of the opposite sex if you are in a committed, exclusive relationship. Even if you both trust each other impeccably – it sends the wrong message to the other chatter – the message being –I have a need to talk to you, and have fun conversations with you- because my partner isn’t available to. Even though this isn’t the message you INTENDED – it is what ‘can’ be perceived. So  to stay in the safe zone: REFRAIN.

WORDS & COMMUNICATION:

  1. No interrupting
  2. No threats to leave house or relationship.
  3. No name calling.
  4. Stay on topic, no bringing up the past
  5. No going to bed mad

If someone is upset, ask more questions verses making more statements. Always repeat what you thought your partner said, here’s an example: “So, what I heard you say was”: then repeat that outloud. This way, your partner can feel they were ‘heard’ with their perspective, or ‘not understood’. The goal in any conversation is for one person to feel understood.

The MINUTE your emotions start elevating (heart rate increases, sweating, or feelings of panic, or feelings of anger) due to frustration or anger, it is best to TAKE A BREAK rather than yell, or get aggressive, or begin hitting walls.

If, or when- one partner see’s their partner is getting worked up in anger, it is best to begin soothing them with things like:

Let’s talk about this later.

Maybe I should go, and we can talk it out later.

Maybe we should just stop talking now, hold each other, and come back to a discussion later.

Always speak life. Never let your words have a frustrating tone- no matter your mood, their words, their accusation, etc…If they are upset, YOU REMAIN CALM! If they need correcting, do it lovingly. If one is upset, the other could use phrases like:

  • I hear you, I understand.
  • I am so sorry that upset you. What can I do to make you feel better?
  • Come over here, let me hold you.
  • Let’s go do something very, very special together.
  • I love when you ______________
  • I think it’s so cool that you ______________
  • You make me feel so good, and special when you ________________
  • You’re leaving home in THAT shirt? You look so good in that, I worry someone will steal you away! (playful, not jealous tones…easy does it on this one)
  • I am so sorry that is happening to you, how can I help you?

If you are the one upset, be careful to use the I FEEL______I FELT_____, I FOUND______ method, it makes your partner feel less accused, less criticized, and it makes it more about ‘your feelings’ than their wrong doing.

EDIFY your spouse even if it is not received in love. The goal is to give -without any expectation of a return. Give compliments, show appreciation, offer helpfulness, show thoughtfulness, show kindness, show consideration. Don’t have double standards. EVEN IF they aren’t showing these to you, DO IT ANYWAY!! They will eventually learn their mistakes, and your example will pay off – or things won’t change and then you can re-access the relationship or seek more coaching.

If you are estranged, separated, or working on things and sex is ‘OFF’ limits presently –NEVER make a pass, or caress, or reach to touch your partner unless THEY initiate, so you know that you know- that you know- they want to go there. If sexual relations are OK, take the time to be gentle, do something fun and different. Be about making THEM feel good for a change – it’s not all about YOU, you know. Get creative, and be spontaneous. Break the same-ole, same-ole routines. Surprise your partner with something new. Remember:

Passion is a Friendship – ON FIRE!!!

Learn to LAUGH! You must share laughter together. It is the secret ingredient that makes everything else work. If you cannot laugh daily, create pet names, make up new stuff that makes you laugh, act silly, whatever, you are missing a very important part of emotionally connecting.

BE OK if your partner needs to CRY! What someone who is crying needs most, is less talk, and more holding. PERIOD. But reminding softly, that they are loved, and you’re in this forever and, ever after that, is not a bad idea!!

Always give eye-contact….ALWAYS, even if they are not looking at you! Don’t be easily distracted if they are talking to you. FOCUS on not only looking at them, but listen intently, put the phone down. IT CAN WAIT!

INITIATE a fun activity together, plan a date, or plan a future vacation together. Plan a project, or do something charitable together. GIVING always creates peacefulness within.

RESPECT the money manager of the relationship. This person has it tough; they have to be the bad guy. They have to budget, they have to say no, they have to access the needs (that don’t always align with their partner’s idea of needs) Somebody will have to be more flexible, but ultimately, the money manager needs A LOT of understanding, and appreciation –The hardest duo’s are when the $-manager is the FEMALE. Because that is out of alignment with the MAN who needs feeling like he’s in charge, like he’s the leader, and the decision maker of the family. But, if his weakness is managing money, he needs to respect and adhere to the woman’s talent and ability to manage – the woman in this role needs to take EXTRA care when talking, and planning, and deciding things. There is a fine line between being the decision maker, and respecting your Man!

HE needs respect upmost in the relationship.

SHE needs to feel understood, loved, cherished, adored, and be reminded by her man she is number 1, he’s in for the long haul, and there’s no one else who could ever take her place and she’s amazing, and you love her cooking, and she is talented, and she makes you feel so good, and…….

NOTICE: Men –need one thing. Woman: A long-Complicated list!!!!  Men & Women who ‘get this’ will have flowing relationships.

PRAYING together is the ULTIMATE way to build back a strong emotional connection. Try it, it’s amazing. Start out with one person, build up to taking turns. It can truly shift your relationship; it somehow creates a sense of unity that is empowering.

Resources that are helpful in hurting relationships:

  • The movie FIRE PROOF.
  • Purchasing the 40 day journal they use in the movie at a local Christian book store, and do it.
  • Love & Respect book, or ANY book by Gary Chapman. He wrote the love Languages book also.
  • Briggs Meyer’s- ISDC Personality Profiles. This is great insight for determining how your partner thinks and their perspective of things. It is helpful for improving communication and connection.
  • Attend a marriage or couples retreat or seminar together.
  • Create a ‘MUST HAVE’ list and each of you ‘share’ your list of desires, and work on giving more.
  • Decide the past hurts that are still rising up, and creating problems, write them each down on an index card. On the back, write how you choose to forgive, and move past it, what you’ll do different in the future moving forward…then have a BURN date, by the fire! DISCUSS each one- STATE YOUR WRONG if you were- FORGIVE-OFFER your NEW way of resolving-PRAY-THEN TOSS them in the fire!!! Don’t go back to those situations.

If your partner is distant – YOU warm up.

If your partner is quiet, make them laugh.

If your partner is hurried, help them.

If your partner is trying to make plans with friends without you, (they are needing space, apparently) you make plans on your own, happily. Two individually independent people with their personal interests are far more intriguing and enjoyable- than two people who are together all the time- without outside interests. Make SURE you are supportive of your partner’s friends, interests, and activities that have nothing to do with you. This is healthy, and a necessity in life.

Keep in mind, if you are in a position of trying to consider: SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO in your relationship, these tips are VERY IMPORTANT as you seek God and His guidance for that decision.

  • Fruits of a loving spirit, (within someone’s character) are peace. Lack of them, is turmoil. Here they are: Gentleness, kindness, joy, humbleness, not self-seeking, doesn’t keep record of wrongs, not jealous, patient, and loving.
  • Have I maintained a loving spirit, for a long consistent amount of time, and my partner still treats me unloving?
  • Does my partner seek God, or is there something else more important: Money-Entertainment-Friends-Work-etc.? (not sure, look at where their money, time, and thoughts go)
  • Do I –or- Does my partner have purpose and passion about life outside of ‘us’? A person without this, will often times rely too heavily on their partner to feel good about themselves, and this is not only insecure, but a big load for someone to bear! It is vital that people discover their skills, talents, and creative side and serve someone or something in this world to make a difference – not just with their partner and on the home-front!!
  • Does my partner have a positive energy around them, do I feel uplifted when we are together, or is most of our time feel like one or both of us wants the other to change something?
  • Is there an unhealthy, influential person in my partner’s (or my) life that is not likely to disconnect from (them) (or me) anytime soon, and therefore; makes it extremely difficult to have and keep a strong emotional connection with my lover?
  • Are our values so different that our priorities are different, and this causes us to have constant conflict?
  • Do I –or- does my partner –stay in this relationship because they ‘fear’ something? Rejection, instability, being alone, jealous of the other moving on without them, fear of not having or making enough money, etc…
  • Do we find ways to manage our children or do we constantly have issues regarding their care?
  • Is there constant drama, other people involved in affairs that should be handled between just us?

I hope these tips are helpful. I hope they make you think, and contemplate your relationship -so you can make the positive changes that will ensure your happiness together. For some, it’s taking time to create space and work on building back the friendship, so the passion is re-ignited. For other’s, it is re-building a friendship, so the passion increases, so the mistrust issues diminish….and more trust is gained.

You attract more bees with honey!!

Coaching relationships doesn’t make progress if one or two people have a hardened heart, remain un-open to change, un-open to forgiveness, or are unteachable.

Relationship coaching however, can succeed if each person will ‘look in the mirror’ – accept their weaknesses, commit to change, and work on serving their partners deepest emotional needs.

The Holidays are only stressful if you allow them to be. I hope this Christmas season, you will commit to your relationship. The changes necessary, and work toward your mutual goals to create a wonderful and loving, romantic New YEAR!!!

Looking forward to hearing from you and learning how you’re doing!!

Coach Annalisa O’Toole~

(ph)678-431-6528 (email) lifecoachannalisa@gmail.com

Follow for More relationship advice daily on Twitter: @coachannalisa

Be THAT Girl!!

Image

WOMEN’S 5 quick tips to reach a man’s heart, staying there and being THAT girl he cherishes. ..
1.Men are hungry; become a great cook. A tough day for any man becomes a better day quickly if he walks into his home smelling dinner!! If he’s the cook, learn about making a few entrées, he’ll need a break -and don’t forget to shop for the list to help him!
2.Men do not need to financially support your retail therapy, your cosmetic/body/beauty maintenance, your extensive wardrobe, shoe collection, accessorizing obsession, your house decor do-overs or your pets. They can usually live without those in their personal budget. Even if you’re a couple, respect the family budget. Make enough money to support these and “still” add to the team or family account. It’s the right thing to do. If you’re a stay-at-home mom, google ways to earn extra money at home…there are 1000’s of ways so you’re not dependant 100% on him.
3. Keep yourself slamming fit! You need to LOVE YOURSELF before you can expect him to!! Get your hair done, do your nails. Seek Therapy if your depressed, have emotional issues, or need self-empowerment. Even if you don’t wear make-up, at least have on mascara, lip gloss with fresh breath when your man comes home!
4. Have your passions-hobbies-interests that you love and stay involved with…you’ll stay full of great conversations and be interesting. Also, being active in your own thing means never being predictable (Boring!) If you make yourself completely and totally available. ..your man can feel smothered. Even if your married and your man seems to want a lot of your time, trust me girls, say no sometimes. Absence is healthy. It creates many positive benefits for both people.
5. Feed your man’s ego…compliment him…be his biggest fan…go out of your way to engage in his world. Save your debbie-downer day gab for your gf’s!! Throw in a back rub while you encourage, support, compliment him!!!
These are just five dating and relationship coaching tips. If you need more insight on finding and keeping love, contact me,
Life Coach Annalisa!
www.annalisaotoole.com
678-431-6528

Relationship “BASICS”, do you have them?

Image Just as there is Etiquette for business, and for entertaining, and for family guidelines…there is relationship etiquette that you shouldn’t have to teach others. One problem that creates a huge gap between two people is when one person seems to understand these simple etiquette guidelines, and another person has a completely different perspective of relating to their partner.  When you have two people who can not seem to get on the same page, and this happens frequently, it is common that when one person tries to explain or help their partner try to understand their view about an issue, or a feeling, it usually ends up in an argument, or creates conflict.

I can not cover ‘all’ relational subject matter that presents couples with problems in one blog, but what is covered are the “BASICS” of healthy, relationship characteristics. The goal here is for you to cross reference this list with your behaviors, your actions, to see if you are making some big relationship mistakes. Also, you may find you need to make changes to improve on creating nurturing, loving connections for you and your love. 

If you are having relationship difficulty, it is always best to evaluate your own behaviors and actions, make self-improvements so you can become your best. When two people are their personal, very best as individuals, they create a bond that is more fun, healthy, intriguing, fulfilling, and passion will naturally develop out of a friendship on fire!

Here are the BASICS (etiquette) for healthy individuals to acquire in order to have a healthy relationship. See if you have some of these characteristics. Evaluate your actions and behaviors, your relationships can improve when you do!

BASIC Rules for INDIVIDUALS so they can experience Healthy relationships:

  1. Passionate Purpose – a person who has interests, a well-liked career perhaps, a hobby, or involvement in a ’cause’, a ‘service’, a work-related mission, or community, or maybe just a personal goal of some kind that drives them to learn more, do more, help more, and generally keeps them excited, challenged, and busy in pursuit of this great endeavor!
  2. Financially Independent & Responsible with Money – This person understands the importance of saving & earning consistently – a person who can make money, manage money, and save money, pay their bills on time, (without excuses or whining) has a positive attitude about money, is a person who can more easily ‘share’ money. This person could take the money they live on, and support an adequate lifestyle even without their partner. This person is able to communicate about money, financial goals, and compromise. This person is not spontaneous, or impulsive, or out of control in their spending habits.
  3. Not Jealous or controlling – this person allows their partner to live independently (have their own interests and activities) and embraces the differences in them. This person does not need to call or text their partner constantly – more than their partner prefers or is comfortable with. They do not have trust issues, they do not feel threatened by friendships their partner has outside the relationship. This person understands that social media is a friendship and networking community and there is not a reason to mistrust their partners use of it. This person is confident in their relationship, and therefore, it is easy to encourage their partner to grow their interests, their businesses, or their passions in whatever that entails.
  4. Never verbally or physically abusive, not easily angered. This person does not project their anger when their expectations are not met, because they are able to communicate without losing their temper. They have impulse control. They do not become emotionally irate. This person can calmly express their thoughts and feelings and have discussions that do not become loud, or full blown arguments. They know that straying from the subject at hand, name-calling, threats to leave, interrupting, getting defensive, and creative avoidant behaviors never lead to resolutions, they only prolong the issues which go unresolved.
  5. They understand their partners love language and cater to it.
  6. They understand their partners values, and are not trying to change them in any way.
  7. They are involved in some type of personal growth activity. Examples (Counseling, Bible study, retreat or self-empowerment activity, church, reading, group meetings, service, ministry, training course, continuing education, etc…) A person who continues to be teachable – is a person growing personally.
  8. They have close friends, and are involved in their extended families lives in some way. This is a sign a person doesn’t have grudges, but forgives and is compassionate toward other’s.
  9. They take care of their bodies, their environment, and their belongings, their children and their pets. They have pride to strive toward good health physically, take pride in cleanliness, and in strive to life a healthy lifestyle. They are nurturing to their children and pets (not involved in addictions of any kind, unclean home, soiled clothing, messy living/work area’s etc..) 
  10. They have a healthy perspective on how to treat their partner.  They don’t get bent out of shape when something goes wrong. They give their partner space when needed, give love and show love to their partner, they encourage other’s, they are kind, they support and edify their partner. They may hug often, they speak love and life to other’s, they are patient. They feel so confident in who they are, and where they are going, their view is that another person should be privileged to have their love! If not, (while they may experience a heart break) they will still go on thriving- because they know where God is leading them!!

Hope you have the BASICS down….life offers enough tough challenges without having to address confrontations on these 10 basic healthy relational tips!  Remember, it’s up to you to design your life. It’s not up to someone else to make your life better. When you are ALL YOU CAN BE, you will be interesting, fun, and other’s will be attracted to your zest for life! If your waiting on someone else to create your happiness, you will be waiting a long, long time. Create your own happiness, your own stability, your own confidence, and you will be VERY ATTRACTIVE!!

For more great relationship coaching, visit, www.annalisaotoole.com to learn how to GET COACHED!

Helping you BECOME your BEST!!   ~Coach Annalisa

PERSPECTIVE…lessons from a Jellyfish…

PERSPECTIVE...lessons from a jellyfish...

This morning, after a fabulous breakfast and cup of coffee, after tweeting and checking the worlds activities through social media sites, I entered the master to dress for the gym, only to discover, HALF the bed made. Seriously? Yes indeed. Mr. Clean’s half. (That’s the husband) He actually made HALF the bed. Can you guess which side? Of course you can. He must have just walked by his side on the way to the closet because his side of the bed is next to the closet. Or, no…wait…he feels as though I’m not doing my fair share? Afterall, he DID cook us breakfast, clean all the dishes, and put them away while I was ‘space-facin’ as he calls it. No…I think the reason is so he could send me a message like..’hey, help me out here, would ya? ” …but, just as it is with the JELLYFISH….we think of the negative aspects first. WHY do we do this? Why does our thought process default to the following: “What about me” Why me?” “What’s in it for me”…and further more, the default is..”Why are they against me?” …”What have I done wrong to deserve this?”…”Why are they so stubborn?”…..But, wouldn’t most of us agree there are individuals out there who actually see or hear of a JELLYFISH and think of how unique they are, maybe how elegant they dance in the sea, or how their colors glow, or how they are so amazingly different from all of God’s creatures? Not me, I immediately, when hearing the word, or see one, think about THE STING.
When I brought it to Mr. Clean’s attention, I asked, “So, I see you only made YOUR half of the bed…interesting, do you think I am not doing my fair share around here? Is there something wrong?”….
He simply, and softly replies…” So I make up half the bed as I walked by, you make it everyday mostly, and instead of being grateful that HALF is made, and it helps out, you’re going to complain about it?”
It was then that I realized, my thinkin was pretty stinkin about now. It was then that I realized, Mr. Clean spoils me. He is a Clean phanatic, and if something needs picking up, fixing, mending, repairing, or it’s out of place, or undone, yes sir– ree Bob…Mr. Clean is on it like lightening. It was then I realized something unique, like Jellyfish….I should stop and try to make a strong effort, to see the positive side of things before ALLOWING my perpsective to default to a negative place. In addition though to the PERSPECTIVE lesson in this morning’s festivities, there was another lesson within a lesson. That, by all the more of Mr. Clean’s helpfulness and generosity, the more disabled I became to seeing the positive side of things, the more little bit of entitlement and negative thinking set in. So it is with great courage and willingness to ‘becoming’ a better me, the best me in fact, that I must say, took an act that many people would have allowed to ruin their day with blame, male bashing and negative contemplation, and I turned it into a great lesson for myself. TAKE the time to remember the Jellyfish. Remember, there’s always a lesson, there’s always a positive, there’s always a way to consider the beauty in this life, and the beauty in other’s. Especially, those who love you. I love my Mr. Clean…I hope you consider your spouse to be, (even through challenging situations where you’re defaulting to the negative)….someone that helps you to be your best!!

Holy Matri~Money!!

Money is a difficult part of
image

marriage. In my marriage coaching practice, I encourage couples to SEPERATE BUSINESS & ROMANCE so both areas do not fail!! Here are great tips to making your finances work, so romance isn’t in danger!
1. Have weekly or bi~monthly MONEY MEETINGS!
~ For these meetings, decide who your “geek” is, the one who tracks, balances, and pays bills. Your “book keeper” of your business.
~ Talk to compromise on a budget, or the plan for incoming funds and outgoing funds, and how you will compromise the placement for any remaining money, (save, donate, help someone, buy something, etc)
~ What works for other couples, is not always the best for your situation. Discuss without arguement, different options.
~Learn not to discuss money matters outside your meeting time. It is ok, however, to call an emergency meeting. If money matters ARE discussed or brought up at random times, it can cause problems, therefore diminishing the romance & friendship areas of marriage. Business is business.
~Learn the rules of business. Do not interupt. Do not discuss the party for the upcoming weekend at the business meeting. Even if your trying to spend extra on the outfit you saw at the mall. Preparation & planning ahead are essential parts of business, why would your money business in marriage be treated without the same level of respect? Also, KEEP YOUR WORD!
The fastest way to lose respect in marriage, is to NOT follow through on your word, then it greatly disrupts the Romance & Friendship areas. Trust is built and maintained by honoring your word. If you agree you’ll only spend $50 in one category, but you overspend foolishly, you might not have an enjoyable date night, just sayin.
Also, you don’t always have to be right or adament about something. Allow mistakes with forgiveness.
Be fair. Be kind. No name~calling. Do not bring up past, move forward. Seek full understanding before judging. Where people want to spend money, thats where their heart is. Be sensitive.
~Pray together, as a couple, about your money, express gratitude toward God for your blessings & tithing can all make a tremendous, positive impact on your financial situation, as well as your money business relations together!
~ If you have MAJOR DISAGREEMENTS ABOUT MONEY, you may just need a Life Coach. By the way, I know a great one who can do phone or skype sessions!!

image

Life Coach, Relationship Specialist, Inspirational Speaker, Annalisa O’Toole
678.431.6528
Inspiredlifecoaching.net
Follow me @coachannalisa