I love my partner, but they’re making me crazy!

Are you in that love – hate relationship that is having constant conflict? Are you in emotional turmoil most of the time over this relationship? Do you miss the romantic spark you once felt? Maybe you are getting along, but you feel it’s only because you don’t speak up about your feelings, for fear it will develop into an argument. Whatever your relationship problem, there is hope for a positive future. There is good news about this, and also bad news.

The good news is, you DESERVE to have your needs met. You are worthy to be heard and feel understood. You are valuable, and your feelings do matter. You can have a blissful, romantic, fun, friendship and companion who meets your needs and rocks your world. So, that’s all the good news. Moving on to the not-so-good part…

In order to experience positive, flowing, fun, non-combative, friendship and romance, you have to understand this very important belief and absorb this belief into your deepest counsciousness. You must accept and agree with this belief. For some, this may be shocking. For other’s it may be just what the Doctor ordered. Many people will have a hard time accepting this belief as a serious truth. Here is the first step in positive relationships:

~Never allow your need for affection or affirmation; nor your fear of being alone to over ride your ability to prevent emotional connection to someone who does not meet your needs.~

Interestingly enough, the first step in qualifying someone for dating exclusively, is learning as much about them as you can. I had a close friend once who would meet someone interesting, and upon my asking how that new friendship was going, he replied, “oh, she wasn’t my model number!”

Habits and Behaviors that occur during dating (good or bad in your view) will usually multiply upon living together or in marriage. Evaluation should be the mission during infatuation! To clearly establish if someone meets the preferences that align with your needs (or not) indicates you are confident with your own personal path. How could being physically attracted to someone just majically work if you haven’t figured out your own course for life? Maybe you haven’t settled on a career path- or you’ve decided on taking 3 months to hike and sight-see Europe, wouldn’t it be great to know that a person would support your goals or aspirations? If your dream is to live and work in a foriegn city for a year- or do an internship in a busy city, but your love interest is passionate on a farm in the mountains living off-grid, you may need to reconsider getting serious. Geographical incompatibilities are just one area, there are of course, many other preferrences of people to learn about! Having clarity for yourself and knowing what your deepest values and needs would be from a partner, speaks volumes for your confidence level. Relationships have a higher success rate if individuals allow theirself time to become friends and establish a deep understanding of each others inner charachter before becoming emotionally connected. It’s important to understand though, that it’s not our job to mold or change someone so our needs are met. The right emotionally balanced and mature person should meet your needs naturally- for the most part- because they love you.

Individuals who can clearly state what they like, what they don’t like, and have courage and confidence to speak up for their needs, are much more likely to be satisfied in a realtionship, versus someone unable to speak up for what they want. Many times people can not speak up for what they need because they don’t even know! You can’t expect someone else to love you if you don’t love yourself enough to have a plan for your life! How would you know if someone WOULD fit along side you and your mission- if you don’t even know what it is yet?

Once you’ve discovered your calling, you can gage so easily, (when you’re attracted to someone and you begin talking)- if there could be a potential connection that develops. You would know because a potential dating partner should respond to your interests with enthusiasm, supportive gestures, helpful ideas and be your biggest fan.

If you are in a relationship where your personal needs are not met, and you have expressed what they are (and they are reasonable, doable, and not crazy, costly, immoral or illegal!) then you may need to reconsider how long you plan to stay in an uncomfortable relationship that is constantly resistant to meeting your needs.
Maybe, your needs are not about you. In other words, you’re desiring change in your partner because that change will somehow be more pleasant to you. In your partners life, however, their behavior is comfortable. The change you seek is considered your ‘preference’ (not a personal need) and is in conflict with your partner’s ‘preference’. Here’s a common Example: You prefer no alcohol. Your partner drinks. This can cause serious lifestyle conflicts. The only way a couple with these differing values could grow in a positive way, is for one or the other to “give up” their preference, and honor their word, consistantly. So either the non-drinker accepts the drinker -and all the lifestyle choices that go along with that (over-indulgence with drinking from time to time, spending extra money on alcohol, socially partaking, etc) or, the drinker quits and goes along with lifestyle choices supporting the sobriety. There is no grey area here- unless both people remain in their preferred lifestyle choice; which would mean breaking up or divorcing; or staying together with constant conflict.

Another example is a couple who is unequally yoked spiritually. One is an avid church goer, one is not. But if one person continues to try and judge or change their partner due to the difference (could be either partner here) it doesn’t feel good- one feels resistance on a consistant basis. However, if both parties agree on the situation, it can be a non-issue. If they can not agree- it means resistance continues; or to avoid resistance on a consistant basis- one partner decides they do not want to live with that resistance over a vast difference in values. The only way to live with a partner having a different value or lifestyle choice is to accept it- and make no resistance over it, or determine that value is unacceptable to you, to the point of it being completely unbearable – and get out of the relationship.

Before getting out, (if thats your decision) it is a good idea to express to your partner what your very serious ‘need or preference’ is and express that the future of staying together depends on it. Someone who loves you and wants to be with you, someone who respects you and your lifestyle, will either comply, or choose their preference over you. But, respectfully accept this, because this means at least they have clarity for what they value and need.

Positive relationships will have situations that feel resistance, but they shouldn’t be continual. If resistance continues, over the same differences for long periods of time; it simply means someone, after agreeing to a solution, has broken their word. It is important to know if you are someone who can continue forgiving and restarting new committments, or if this is unbearable.

Counseling can help individuals- if a person is consistant to seek guidance.

Remember this…

~The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results~

Know yourself, know your needs. Honoring yourself is vital before you can successfully unite with someone in an exclusive relationship. And, never try changing people. Inspire them by sharing your convictions- but know when it’s a fit or time for a flight!

~LifeCoach Annalisa O’Toole

For more info on #relationships visit http://www.annalisaotoole.wordpress.com

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Three Tree’s

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My daughter in college is a nanny. She watches over three very young sisters. Her hours after her classes are usually from 3pm -8pm, sometimes she stays later. She was putting the oldest child to bed, when the little one asked her to read a library book she had checked out. The story of the three tree’s goes something like this:

The Three Trees
Once upon a mountain top, three little trees stood and dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up. The first little tree looked up at the stars and said: ” I want to hold treasure. I want to be covered with gold and filled with precious stones. I’ll be the most beautiful treasure chest in the world!” The second little tree looked out at the small stream trickling by on it’s way to the ocean. ” I want to be traveling mighty waters and carrying powerful kings. I’ll be the strongest ship in the world! The third little tree looked down into the valley below where busy men and women worked in a busy town. I don’t want to leave the mountain top at all. I want to grow so tall that when people stop to look at me they’ll raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world.

Years, passed. The rain came, the sun shone and the little trees grew tall. One day three wood cutters climbed the mountain. The first wood cutter looked at the first tree and said, “This tree is beautiful. It is perfect for me.” With a swoop of his shining ax, the first tree fell. “Now I shall make a beautiful chest, I shall hold wonderful treasure!” the first tree said.

The second wood cutter looked at the second tree and said, “This tree is strong. It’s perfect for me.” With a swoop of his shining ax, the second tree fell. “Now I shall sail mighty waters!” thought the second tree. ” I shall be a strong ship for mighty kings!”

The third tree felt her heart sink when the last wood cutter looked her way. She stood straight and tall and pointed bravely to heaven. But the wood cutter never even looked up. “Any kind of tree will do for me.” He muttered. With a swoop of his shining ax, the third tree fell.

The first tree rejoiced when the wood cutter brought her to a carpenter’s shop. But the carpenter fashioned the tree into a feed box for animals. The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold, or treasure. She was coated with saw dust and filled with hay for hungry farm animals. The second tree smiled when the wood cutter took her to a shipyard, but no mighty sailing ship was made that day. Instead the once strong tree was hammered and awed into a simple fishing boat. She was too small and too weak to sail to an ocean, or even a river, instead she was taken to a little lake. The third tree was confused when the wood cutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard. “What happened?” The once tall tree wondered. ” All I ever wanted was to stay on the mountain top and point to God…”

Many days and nights passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams. But one night, golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the feed box. “I wish I could make a cradle for him.” Her husband whispered. The mother squeezed his hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and sturdy wood. ” This manger is beautiful.” She said. And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest treasure in the world.

One evening a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat. The traveler fell asleep as the second tree quietly sailed out into the lake. Soon a thundering and a thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuddered. She new she did not have the strength to carry so many passengers safely through the wind and the rain. The tired man awoke. He stood up, stretched out his hand, and said, “Peace.” The storm stopped as quickly as it had begun. And suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the king of heaven and earth.

One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the forgotten wood pile. She flinched as she was carried through an angry jeering crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man’s hand to her. She felt ugly and harsh and cruel. But on Sunday morning, when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew that God’s love had changed everything. It had made the third tree strong. And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God. That was better than being the tallest tree in the world.

Things aren’t always as they seem; in the midst of hardship, are the invisible inner workings of your dream. God is designing, creating, and working behind the visible scenes to bring you honor, happiness, and all the desires of your heart. Seek Him, and you will find him. Knock and His door shall be opened. Do unto other’s as you would have them do unto you, and your dreams will come true. The seasons of challenge and painful experiences are only that – a season; believe with all your heart, God is working and creating life to be in your favor, and your dream will be bigger and better than you could ever even imagine!

~Life Coach Annalisa

http://www.annalisaotoole.com

The Three Tree’s ref: http://www.word4life.com

http://www.annalisaotoole.com

I’m so broke…

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If you’re broke, how long do you want to stay that way? Do you have a dream you haven’t started? Why not? Is it because you don’t believe you can? Is it because you don’t know how? Is your failure to step up because you’re afraid you’ll get egg on your face and fall down? Is Fear bigger than your dream? Is that it? Oh…wait, is it that you’re UNCOMFORTABLE with doing things the way the successful people taught other’s to imitate? – it’s an uncomfortable ‘fit’, the way other’s are doing it, and you just don’t feel as smart as them? or, you don’t feel you have the ‘magic’ touch, or the right ‘words’ or the ‘way with people’ like they do? Do you think those successful people were born with the words, the touch, the magic? WRONG. They acquired confidence, wisdom of the business, and people skills by DOING THE UNCOMFORTABLE for so long, they learned the art and gift of getting what they wanted. They learned quickly, their DREAM was bigger than their FEAR. They learned fast that the obstacles they thought were ‘signs’ to STOP or QUIT, or GO DO THAT OTHER THING were actually stepping-stones of lessons that actually propelled them forward.

If your tired ~~~~~~ of being sick and tired, GO FOR YOUR DREAM!! YOU CAN DO IT!! Here’s a list of things to start doing TODAY!!
1. Connect with people who have already accomplished your dream, gone on before you to succeed, and LISTEN to them – daily if you have to. Get Coached. Hear their success stories, take their advice.
2. Connect with other winners who believe in you, who encourage you, who care about you, who want you to rise up!!
3. DISCONNECT to people who emotionally drain you, who pull your energy down, who lean toward the negative, who are always in a crisis, who ‘need you’, but do not contribute to your goals or dreams. You can get back to helping the needy when you’ve arrived at the goal you are after right now.
4. Do not expect resources to come, or delay getting started because of a lack of them — God does not call the equipped, he equips the called. Put on your running shoes, that’s all you need for right now, let God bring the other stuff in time.
5. If you can see it, believe in it, you CAN ACHIEVE IT!! Go…..Go….Run!!! Go after it with all your heart!
6. Don’t allow other’s to rain on your parade. Other’s will put down what they don’t understand and what they are not willing to do for themselves!!
7. Many will tell you – you’re doing the impossible. Your belief must be stronger than their lack of wisdom, lack of faith, and lack of confidence to go outside their own comfort zone. Just say to them “Well, you keep doing what you’re doing, I’ll keep on working toward my dream, I sure hope I’ll be seeing you on the beaches of the world, cause that’s where I’ll be!!!
8. NEVER GIVE UP!! The easy way out is the illusion that the grass is greener on the other side -(it’s only greener where you water and fertilize it) and it’s easy to forget what first prompted your spirit toward your dream and the opportunity God gave you; the hard part, is sticking it out – you know, those the challenging situations long enough to learning the lessons intended, and moving forward anyway!!!
9. Get your priorities in order. First things first. Be a good time manager. Learn to NOT allow creative avoidance. Learn to say “no” to what isn’t helping you meet new people, inspire you toward your dream, or family oriented. Say yes to the activities that will align with your great big goals, and take on ‘extra’s’ later, when money is rolling in, and you have a balance with your work activity. Here are great words when your faced with having to turn away someone or something: “Thank you so much for thinking of me, that’s a great opportunity, but I am working on a great big goal right now, catch me next time!”
10. PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL/BOY britches, and don’t sweat the small stuff! If someone says I don’t know – I just don’t think so, or they say ‘NO, no way’, learn to work through that, to get to the real objective, or learn to let go. Learn the art of not taking things personal. Learn to let go of someone who can’t say yes or no. Learn that to get to enough yes’, you have to get a lot of no’s. No’s are the major part of any program, any new idea, and any new endeavor. Challenge yourself to get 10 no’s, bet you can’t do it, and if you do, I bet you’re about to get a breakthrough for a big number of yes’!! Don’t interpret a lot of No’s as, it’s not the right opportunity for you, but rather, consider it a learning curve. YOUR CURVED in your presentation or approach, most likely. Get a new approach, or alter the things that are not working. Watch and learn from those who are succeeding. Pray over your weaknesses, be open and teachable. Learn to accept constructive criticism.

Who am I to write such harsh words of wisdom on going for your dreams? What would I know about putting down fears? I am a Life Coach who put FEAR first, before determining my WHY, and then planning my HOW. I was motivated, but exasperated over my own inability to FEAL the FEAR, and DO IT ANYWAY!! NOW, I am no longer afraid…look out world, here I go!! Who’s coming with me?

YOUR DREAMS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR SADNESS OVER WHAT’S NOT WORKING IN YOUR LIFE. YOU HAVE THE POWER AND THE POTENTIAL TO CHANGE YOUR SITUATION. CHANGE IT TODAY, DON’T DELAY YOUR DREAM ANY LONGER!! WHEN YOU MAKE MORE MONEY, YOU’LL HAVE MORE CHOICES. BE MORE, GIVE MORE, BY DOING MORE!!! DON’T BE SHY. YOU WERE BORN TO SHINE!! YOU ARE A WINNER, YOU’RE JUST NOT PLAYING THE GAME ENOUGH FOR YOUR SCORES TO SHOW UP!!!

GOOD LUCK!! WISHING YOU THE BEST YEAR EVER, A YEAR FOR ACCOMPLISHING ALL YOUR DREAMS…..I HOPE I’LL BE SEEING YOU ON THE BEACHES OF THE WORLD BECAUSE I’LL BE THERE!!
COACH ANNALISA ~
WWW.INSPIREDLIFECOACHING.NET

PERSPECTIVE…lessons from a Jellyfish…

PERSPECTIVE...lessons from a jellyfish...

This morning, after a fabulous breakfast and cup of coffee, after tweeting and checking the worlds activities through social media sites, I entered the master to dress for the gym, only to discover, HALF the bed made. Seriously? Yes indeed. Mr. Clean’s half. (That’s the husband) He actually made HALF the bed. Can you guess which side? Of course you can. He must have just walked by his side on the way to the closet because his side of the bed is next to the closet. Or, no…wait…he feels as though I’m not doing my fair share? Afterall, he DID cook us breakfast, clean all the dishes, and put them away while I was ‘space-facin’ as he calls it. No…I think the reason is so he could send me a message like..’hey, help me out here, would ya? ” …but, just as it is with the JELLYFISH….we think of the negative aspects first. WHY do we do this? Why does our thought process default to the following: “What about me” Why me?” “What’s in it for me”…and further more, the default is..”Why are they against me?” …”What have I done wrong to deserve this?”…”Why are they so stubborn?”…..But, wouldn’t most of us agree there are individuals out there who actually see or hear of a JELLYFISH and think of how unique they are, maybe how elegant they dance in the sea, or how their colors glow, or how they are so amazingly different from all of God’s creatures? Not me, I immediately, when hearing the word, or see one, think about THE STING.
When I brought it to Mr. Clean’s attention, I asked, “So, I see you only made YOUR half of the bed…interesting, do you think I am not doing my fair share around here? Is there something wrong?”….
He simply, and softly replies…” So I make up half the bed as I walked by, you make it everyday mostly, and instead of being grateful that HALF is made, and it helps out, you’re going to complain about it?”
It was then that I realized, my thinkin was pretty stinkin about now. It was then that I realized, Mr. Clean spoils me. He is a Clean phanatic, and if something needs picking up, fixing, mending, repairing, or it’s out of place, or undone, yes sir– ree Bob…Mr. Clean is on it like lightening. It was then I realized something unique, like Jellyfish….I should stop and try to make a strong effort, to see the positive side of things before ALLOWING my perpsective to default to a negative place. In addition though to the PERSPECTIVE lesson in this morning’s festivities, there was another lesson within a lesson. That, by all the more of Mr. Clean’s helpfulness and generosity, the more disabled I became to seeing the positive side of things, the more little bit of entitlement and negative thinking set in. So it is with great courage and willingness to ‘becoming’ a better me, the best me in fact, that I must say, took an act that many people would have allowed to ruin their day with blame, male bashing and negative contemplation, and I turned it into a great lesson for myself. TAKE the time to remember the Jellyfish. Remember, there’s always a lesson, there’s always a positive, there’s always a way to consider the beauty in this life, and the beauty in other’s. Especially, those who love you. I love my Mr. Clean…I hope you consider your spouse to be, (even through challenging situations where you’re defaulting to the negative)….someone that helps you to be your best!!