Relationship Struggles? Tips for re-connecting…

Emotional Connection is the secret to Flowing Relationships...

Emotional Connection is the secret to Flowing Relationships.

INSPIRED LIFE COACHING….. December 2014 Newsletter

by Life Coach, Relationship Specialist & Inspirational Speaker,

Annalisa O’Toole

Emotionally Connecting is the root foundation for relationships to flourish…

If your Relationship is in need of repair, it is most likely, because your EMOTIONAL CONNECTION has been compromised. It is in jeopardy, it is not strong, and it is creating havoc in your life. Here are the BEST ways to reconnect emotionally. It requires at least ONE person, constantly working to show love, support, and admiration, and trustworthiness. It takes two forgiving, honest, and willing people to move forward. If you are the one trying to repair, mend, or save a relationship, you will know the advice below that is specific for you. If you are the one who thinks everything is fine, but your partner is having trouble –look again at the following things. You need to absorb some emotional-connecting tips- and fast!!  Stop arguing about the little things, and realize it is your EMOTIONAL CONNECTION that has been broken. Let’s repair it!!! Hope these tips help you through this season. We are in a season of giving, so try to focus more on what you can GIVE to the relationship, verses WHAT you get or don’t get out of it.

If one is tired, offer a massage —

If one is crying, hold them.

If one is bitchin, say, “I understand what can I do or help you with?”

If one is frustrated, let them vent without getting mad – one person at a time with the elevated emotions!! Your job is to Just listen, empathize, support, offer assistance.

If one is nagging, say, “What can I do to help you?”

If one is demanding, say, “Let me write these things down, so I don’t forget, I know they are important to you, I’ll do my best at these”

If one is distant — give them space.

If one is short—say, “I know it feels as if your world is falling apart, but I still love you.”

If one is quick tempered, say, “How can I make things easier, or relieve your load?”

If one is late home from work, have dinner ready, offer a beverage, sit with them and talk.

If the house is messy, clean it.

If it’s trash day, take it out.

If its grocery day and you’re buying them, bring home flowers guys. Girls: Bring home his favorite item, or beer.

Leave notes of appreciation saying “have a great day” in their car, or by their mirror in the bathroom.

Guys: Buy a spa day certificate, take the kids all day, and tell her she’s off-duty!!!

Girls: Buy an admission ticket to a sports event, or the shooting range (hopefully you haven’t made him too mad! HA!)

Love Languages:

Most people feel loved if their partner does one or more of the following:

TIME      GIFTS      SERVICES        WORDS OF AFFIRMATION       AFFECTION/TOUCH

Figure out which one is their HOT button, do things around that love language as often as possible.

Social Media & Friends of opposite sex:

Clean up your friendships outside the marriage. It is not good to have ‘female’ or ‘male’ friends you talk to daily or often. Even if you speak to this person about getting their gender perspective on your relationship – which seems innocent, it creates a sense of disloyalty within your partner. Phone records can be checked. Although you may not be in a sexual relationship —-an emotional connection starts by talking often — and even if talking often is not leading to an emotional connection, it would never be perceived as ‘platonic’ if there are multiple texts and calls throughout day to day. OR, long patterns of texting or talking on and off throughout the month. Chatting on games, snap chat, vines, and other forms of communication are all the same. They are not healthy to participate in with friends of the opposite sex if you are in a committed, exclusive relationship. Even if you both trust each other impeccably – it sends the wrong message to the other chatter – the message being –I have a need to talk to you, and have fun conversations with you- because my partner isn’t available to. Even though this isn’t the message you INTENDED – it is what ‘can’ be perceived. So  to stay in the safe zone: REFRAIN.

WORDS & COMMUNICATION:

  1. No interrupting
  2. No threats to leave house or relationship.
  3. No name calling.
  4. Stay on topic, no bringing up the past
  5. No going to bed mad

If someone is upset, ask more questions verses making more statements. Always repeat what you thought your partner said, here’s an example: “So, what I heard you say was”: then repeat that outloud. This way, your partner can feel they were ‘heard’ with their perspective, or ‘not understood’. The goal in any conversation is for one person to feel understood.

The MINUTE your emotions start elevating (heart rate increases, sweating, or feelings of panic, or feelings of anger) due to frustration or anger, it is best to TAKE A BREAK rather than yell, or get aggressive, or begin hitting walls.

If, or when- one partner see’s their partner is getting worked up in anger, it is best to begin soothing them with things like:

Let’s talk about this later.

Maybe I should go, and we can talk it out later.

Maybe we should just stop talking now, hold each other, and come back to a discussion later.

Always speak life. Never let your words have a frustrating tone- no matter your mood, their words, their accusation, etc…If they are upset, YOU REMAIN CALM! If they need correcting, do it lovingly. If one is upset, the other could use phrases like:

  • I hear you, I understand.
  • I am so sorry that upset you. What can I do to make you feel better?
  • Come over here, let me hold you.
  • Let’s go do something very, very special together.
  • I love when you ______________
  • I think it’s so cool that you ______________
  • You make me feel so good, and special when you ________________
  • You’re leaving home in THAT shirt? You look so good in that, I worry someone will steal you away! (playful, not jealous tones…easy does it on this one)
  • I am so sorry that is happening to you, how can I help you?

If you are the one upset, be careful to use the I FEEL______I FELT_____, I FOUND______ method, it makes your partner feel less accused, less criticized, and it makes it more about ‘your feelings’ than their wrong doing.

EDIFY your spouse even if it is not received in love. The goal is to give -without any expectation of a return. Give compliments, show appreciation, offer helpfulness, show thoughtfulness, show kindness, show consideration. Don’t have double standards. EVEN IF they aren’t showing these to you, DO IT ANYWAY!! They will eventually learn their mistakes, and your example will pay off – or things won’t change and then you can re-access the relationship or seek more coaching.

If you are estranged, separated, or working on things and sex is ‘OFF’ limits presently –NEVER make a pass, or caress, or reach to touch your partner unless THEY initiate, so you know that you know- that you know- they want to go there. If sexual relations are OK, take the time to be gentle, do something fun and different. Be about making THEM feel good for a change – it’s not all about YOU, you know. Get creative, and be spontaneous. Break the same-ole, same-ole routines. Surprise your partner with something new. Remember:

Passion is a Friendship – ON FIRE!!!

Learn to LAUGH! You must share laughter together. It is the secret ingredient that makes everything else work. If you cannot laugh daily, create pet names, make up new stuff that makes you laugh, act silly, whatever, you are missing a very important part of emotionally connecting.

BE OK if your partner needs to CRY! What someone who is crying needs most, is less talk, and more holding. PERIOD. But reminding softly, that they are loved, and you’re in this forever and, ever after that, is not a bad idea!!

Always give eye-contact….ALWAYS, even if they are not looking at you! Don’t be easily distracted if they are talking to you. FOCUS on not only looking at them, but listen intently, put the phone down. IT CAN WAIT!

INITIATE a fun activity together, plan a date, or plan a future vacation together. Plan a project, or do something charitable together. GIVING always creates peacefulness within.

RESPECT the money manager of the relationship. This person has it tough; they have to be the bad guy. They have to budget, they have to say no, they have to access the needs (that don’t always align with their partner’s idea of needs) Somebody will have to be more flexible, but ultimately, the money manager needs A LOT of understanding, and appreciation –The hardest duo’s are when the $-manager is the FEMALE. Because that is out of alignment with the MAN who needs feeling like he’s in charge, like he’s the leader, and the decision maker of the family. But, if his weakness is managing money, he needs to respect and adhere to the woman’s talent and ability to manage – the woman in this role needs to take EXTRA care when talking, and planning, and deciding things. There is a fine line between being the decision maker, and respecting your Man!

HE needs respect upmost in the relationship.

SHE needs to feel understood, loved, cherished, adored, and be reminded by her man she is number 1, he’s in for the long haul, and there’s no one else who could ever take her place and she’s amazing, and you love her cooking, and she is talented, and she makes you feel so good, and…….

NOTICE: Men –need one thing. Woman: A long-Complicated list!!!!  Men & Women who ‘get this’ will have flowing relationships.

PRAYING together is the ULTIMATE way to build back a strong emotional connection. Try it, it’s amazing. Start out with one person, build up to taking turns. It can truly shift your relationship; it somehow creates a sense of unity that is empowering.

Resources that are helpful in hurting relationships:

  • The movie FIRE PROOF.
  • Purchasing the 40 day journal they use in the movie at a local Christian book store, and do it.
  • Love & Respect book, or ANY book by Gary Chapman. He wrote the love Languages book also.
  • Briggs Meyer’s- ISDC Personality Profiles. This is great insight for determining how your partner thinks and their perspective of things. It is helpful for improving communication and connection.
  • Attend a marriage or couples retreat or seminar together.
  • Create a ‘MUST HAVE’ list and each of you ‘share’ your list of desires, and work on giving more.
  • Decide the past hurts that are still rising up, and creating problems, write them each down on an index card. On the back, write how you choose to forgive, and move past it, what you’ll do different in the future moving forward…then have a BURN date, by the fire! DISCUSS each one- STATE YOUR WRONG if you were- FORGIVE-OFFER your NEW way of resolving-PRAY-THEN TOSS them in the fire!!! Don’t go back to those situations.

If your partner is distant – YOU warm up.

If your partner is quiet, make them laugh.

If your partner is hurried, help them.

If your partner is trying to make plans with friends without you, (they are needing space, apparently) you make plans on your own, happily. Two individually independent people with their personal interests are far more intriguing and enjoyable- than two people who are together all the time- without outside interests. Make SURE you are supportive of your partner’s friends, interests, and activities that have nothing to do with you. This is healthy, and a necessity in life.

Keep in mind, if you are in a position of trying to consider: SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO in your relationship, these tips are VERY IMPORTANT as you seek God and His guidance for that decision.

  • Fruits of a loving spirit, (within someone’s character) are peace. Lack of them, is turmoil. Here they are: Gentleness, kindness, joy, humbleness, not self-seeking, doesn’t keep record of wrongs, not jealous, patient, and loving.
  • Have I maintained a loving spirit, for a long consistent amount of time, and my partner still treats me unloving?
  • Does my partner seek God, or is there something else more important: Money-Entertainment-Friends-Work-etc.? (not sure, look at where their money, time, and thoughts go)
  • Do I –or- Does my partner have purpose and passion about life outside of ‘us’? A person without this, will often times rely too heavily on their partner to feel good about themselves, and this is not only insecure, but a big load for someone to bear! It is vital that people discover their skills, talents, and creative side and serve someone or something in this world to make a difference – not just with their partner and on the home-front!!
  • Does my partner have a positive energy around them, do I feel uplifted when we are together, or is most of our time feel like one or both of us wants the other to change something?
  • Is there an unhealthy, influential person in my partner’s (or my) life that is not likely to disconnect from (them) (or me) anytime soon, and therefore; makes it extremely difficult to have and keep a strong emotional connection with my lover?
  • Are our values so different that our priorities are different, and this causes us to have constant conflict?
  • Do I –or- does my partner –stay in this relationship because they ‘fear’ something? Rejection, instability, being alone, jealous of the other moving on without them, fear of not having or making enough money, etc…
  • Do we find ways to manage our children or do we constantly have issues regarding their care?
  • Is there constant drama, other people involved in affairs that should be handled between just us?

I hope these tips are helpful. I hope they make you think, and contemplate your relationship -so you can make the positive changes that will ensure your happiness together. For some, it’s taking time to create space and work on building back the friendship, so the passion is re-ignited. For other’s, it is re-building a friendship, so the passion increases, so the mistrust issues diminish….and more trust is gained.

You attract more bees with honey!!

Coaching relationships doesn’t make progress if one or two people have a hardened heart, remain un-open to change, un-open to forgiveness, or are unteachable.

Relationship coaching however, can succeed if each person will ‘look in the mirror’ – accept their weaknesses, commit to change, and work on serving their partners deepest emotional needs.

The Holidays are only stressful if you allow them to be. I hope this Christmas season, you will commit to your relationship. The changes necessary, and work toward your mutual goals to create a wonderful and loving, romantic New YEAR!!!

Looking forward to hearing from you and learning how you’re doing!!

Coach Annalisa O’Toole~

(ph)678-431-6528 (email) lifecoachannalisa@gmail.com

Follow for More relationship advice daily on Twitter: @coachannalisa

Motivational Speaking

166 As a Professional Certified Life Coach, Relationship Specialist, Therapist, Inspirational Speaker, Author, Business Owner, and Former Radio Show Host, Annalisa has 7 years experience helping marriages, young engaged couples, and singles find their way into improved relationships and careers. In that journey of guiding clients in her Life Coaching practice, she has discovered the root causes of conflict, discouragement, and even emotional turmoil.  She is equipped with several phenomenal speaking topics that will assist and enlighten individuals toward peaceful relationships at work, at home, and with their spouse.

Her ideal audience would be a woman’s group, couples, church staff or church members, a class, a meet up group, a community group, a business, a sales team, or a civic organization.

The topics offered for speaking engagements are:

  • MASTERING YOUR MARRIAGE
  • COMMUNICATION & CONFLICT RESOLUTION
  • SINGLE PARENT SURVIVAL
  • DATING DO’S & DON’TS
  • 10 COMMANDMENTS FOR DIVORCED PARENTS
  • BLENDED FAMILY SURVIVAL
  • THE GREAT-8! Discovering Life’s 8 essential needs & how to fulfill them God’s way!
  • Self-Empowerment & Feeling Fabulous!
  • Growing your Team & Increasing Sales!
  • DISCOVERING YOUR CALLING!

Annalisa O’Toole  has a fun, uplifting, warm spirit that is sure to inspire, entertain, educate, and motivate any audience!  To check her schedule for availability, please contact her by calling 678-431-6528.

Rates for up to 1 hour of Speaking time are as follows:

  • Christian Organizations: $150
  • Church Services or events: Love Offering from audience/membership
  • Woman’s Group, Club, or Non-Profit: $150
  • Business Staff event, meeting, conference: $250
  • Retreat, Convention, Workshop: $250

Add-On fee’s not included:

  • Travel required outside Metro-Atlanta area, driving & time consideration fee: $50
  • Travel requiring Airlines, Hotel, & Expenses fee, if not covered by Client: $850+ (may vary, negotiable)
  • Personal Consultation fee: $85
  • Break-Out session teaching/speaking fee: $50 each
  • Ticket price of admission and/or meal at your event
  • For each additional speaking topic at the same event: $50

*All fee’s are negotiable and may vary depending on individual needs, location, travel arrangements, and unforeseen factors.

Relationship “BASICS”, do you have them?

Relationship "BASICS", do you have them?.

I’m so broke…

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If you’re broke, how long do you want to stay that way? Do you have a dream you haven’t started? Why not? Is it because you don’t believe you can? Is it because you don’t know how? Is your failure to step up because you’re afraid you’ll get egg on your face and fall down? Is Fear bigger than your dream? Is that it? Oh…wait, is it that you’re UNCOMFORTABLE with doing things the way the successful people taught other’s to imitate? – it’s an uncomfortable ‘fit’, the way other’s are doing it, and you just don’t feel as smart as them? or, you don’t feel you have the ‘magic’ touch, or the right ‘words’ or the ‘way with people’ like they do? Do you think those successful people were born with the words, the touch, the magic? WRONG. They acquired confidence, wisdom of the business, and people skills by DOING THE UNCOMFORTABLE for so long, they learned the art and gift of getting what they wanted. They learned quickly, their DREAM was bigger than their FEAR. They learned fast that the obstacles they thought were ‘signs’ to STOP or QUIT, or GO DO THAT OTHER THING were actually stepping-stones of lessons that actually propelled them forward.

If your tired ~~~~~~ of being sick and tired, GO FOR YOUR DREAM!! YOU CAN DO IT!! Here’s a list of things to start doing TODAY!!
1. Connect with people who have already accomplished your dream, gone on before you to succeed, and LISTEN to them – daily if you have to. Get Coached. Hear their success stories, take their advice.
2. Connect with other winners who believe in you, who encourage you, who care about you, who want you to rise up!!
3. DISCONNECT to people who emotionally drain you, who pull your energy down, who lean toward the negative, who are always in a crisis, who ‘need you’, but do not contribute to your goals or dreams. You can get back to helping the needy when you’ve arrived at the goal you are after right now.
4. Do not expect resources to come, or delay getting started because of a lack of them — God does not call the equipped, he equips the called. Put on your running shoes, that’s all you need for right now, let God bring the other stuff in time.
5. If you can see it, believe in it, you CAN ACHIEVE IT!! Go…..Go….Run!!! Go after it with all your heart!
6. Don’t allow other’s to rain on your parade. Other’s will put down what they don’t understand and what they are not willing to do for themselves!!
7. Many will tell you – you’re doing the impossible. Your belief must be stronger than their lack of wisdom, lack of faith, and lack of confidence to go outside their own comfort zone. Just say to them “Well, you keep doing what you’re doing, I’ll keep on working toward my dream, I sure hope I’ll be seeing you on the beaches of the world, cause that’s where I’ll be!!!
8. NEVER GIVE UP!! The easy way out is the illusion that the grass is greener on the other side -(it’s only greener where you water and fertilize it) and it’s easy to forget what first prompted your spirit toward your dream and the opportunity God gave you; the hard part, is sticking it out – you know, those the challenging situations long enough to learning the lessons intended, and moving forward anyway!!!
9. Get your priorities in order. First things first. Be a good time manager. Learn to NOT allow creative avoidance. Learn to say “no” to what isn’t helping you meet new people, inspire you toward your dream, or family oriented. Say yes to the activities that will align with your great big goals, and take on ‘extra’s’ later, when money is rolling in, and you have a balance with your work activity. Here are great words when your faced with having to turn away someone or something: “Thank you so much for thinking of me, that’s a great opportunity, but I am working on a great big goal right now, catch me next time!”
10. PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL/BOY britches, and don’t sweat the small stuff! If someone says I don’t know – I just don’t think so, or they say ‘NO, no way’, learn to work through that, to get to the real objective, or learn to let go. Learn the art of not taking things personal. Learn to let go of someone who can’t say yes or no. Learn that to get to enough yes’, you have to get a lot of no’s. No’s are the major part of any program, any new idea, and any new endeavor. Challenge yourself to get 10 no’s, bet you can’t do it, and if you do, I bet you’re about to get a breakthrough for a big number of yes’!! Don’t interpret a lot of No’s as, it’s not the right opportunity for you, but rather, consider it a learning curve. YOUR CURVED in your presentation or approach, most likely. Get a new approach, or alter the things that are not working. Watch and learn from those who are succeeding. Pray over your weaknesses, be open and teachable. Learn to accept constructive criticism.

Who am I to write such harsh words of wisdom on going for your dreams? What would I know about putting down fears? I am a Life Coach who put FEAR first, before determining my WHY, and then planning my HOW. I was motivated, but exasperated over my own inability to FEAL the FEAR, and DO IT ANYWAY!! NOW, I am no longer afraid…look out world, here I go!! Who’s coming with me?

YOUR DREAMS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR SADNESS OVER WHAT’S NOT WORKING IN YOUR LIFE. YOU HAVE THE POWER AND THE POTENTIAL TO CHANGE YOUR SITUATION. CHANGE IT TODAY, DON’T DELAY YOUR DREAM ANY LONGER!! WHEN YOU MAKE MORE MONEY, YOU’LL HAVE MORE CHOICES. BE MORE, GIVE MORE, BY DOING MORE!!! DON’T BE SHY. YOU WERE BORN TO SHINE!! YOU ARE A WINNER, YOU’RE JUST NOT PLAYING THE GAME ENOUGH FOR YOUR SCORES TO SHOW UP!!!

GOOD LUCK!! WISHING YOU THE BEST YEAR EVER, A YEAR FOR ACCOMPLISHING ALL YOUR DREAMS…..I HOPE I’LL BE SEEING YOU ON THE BEACHES OF THE WORLD BECAUSE I’LL BE THERE!!
COACH ANNALISA ~
WWW.INSPIREDLIFECOACHING.NET

Holy Matri~Money!!

Money is a difficult part of
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marriage. In my marriage coaching practice, I encourage couples to SEPERATE BUSINESS & ROMANCE so both areas do not fail!! Here are great tips to making your finances work, so romance isn’t in danger!
1. Have weekly or bi~monthly MONEY MEETINGS!
~ For these meetings, decide who your “geek” is, the one who tracks, balances, and pays bills. Your “book keeper” of your business.
~ Talk to compromise on a budget, or the plan for incoming funds and outgoing funds, and how you will compromise the placement for any remaining money, (save, donate, help someone, buy something, etc)
~ What works for other couples, is not always the best for your situation. Discuss without arguement, different options.
~Learn not to discuss money matters outside your meeting time. It is ok, however, to call an emergency meeting. If money matters ARE discussed or brought up at random times, it can cause problems, therefore diminishing the romance & friendship areas of marriage. Business is business.
~Learn the rules of business. Do not interupt. Do not discuss the party for the upcoming weekend at the business meeting. Even if your trying to spend extra on the outfit you saw at the mall. Preparation & planning ahead are essential parts of business, why would your money business in marriage be treated without the same level of respect? Also, KEEP YOUR WORD!
The fastest way to lose respect in marriage, is to NOT follow through on your word, then it greatly disrupts the Romance & Friendship areas. Trust is built and maintained by honoring your word. If you agree you’ll only spend $50 in one category, but you overspend foolishly, you might not have an enjoyable date night, just sayin.
Also, you don’t always have to be right or adament about something. Allow mistakes with forgiveness.
Be fair. Be kind. No name~calling. Do not bring up past, move forward. Seek full understanding before judging. Where people want to spend money, thats where their heart is. Be sensitive.
~Pray together, as a couple, about your money, express gratitude toward God for your blessings & tithing can all make a tremendous, positive impact on your financial situation, as well as your money business relations together!
~ If you have MAJOR DISAGREEMENTS ABOUT MONEY, you may just need a Life Coach. By the way, I know a great one who can do phone or skype sessions!!

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Life Coach, Relationship Specialist, Inspirational Speaker, Annalisa O’Toole
678.431.6528
Inspiredlifecoaching.net
Follow me @coachannalisa